Becoming a Lawyer
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Bear and the Two Travelers, The
Bear and the Two Travelers, The
Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on theirpath. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself inthe branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on theground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt himall over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much ashe could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a deadbody. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree,and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered inhis ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel witha friend who deserts you at the approach of danger." (Author Unknown)
Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on theirpath. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself inthe branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on theground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt himall over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much ashe could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a deadbody. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree,and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered inhis ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel witha friend who deserts you at the approach of danger." (Author Unknown)
How many do you remember?
How many do you remember?
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline 36. A TIME WHEN ... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
37. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
38. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
39. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
40. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
41. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
42. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
43. A foot of snow was a dream come true.
44. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
45. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
46. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
47. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
48. War was a card game.
49. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
50. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
51. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline 36. A TIME WHEN ... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
37. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
38. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
39. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
40. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
41. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
42. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
43. A foot of snow was a dream come true.
44. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
45. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
46. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
47. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
48. War was a card game.
49. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
50. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
51. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
Biblical Question
Biblical Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
Some unexpected answers
Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. GCFL.net does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. GCFL.net does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
A guy in Paris
A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Lawyer's Son
Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
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