"A tornado touched down, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and
demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it,
surveyed the damage, muttered, '(Dang) kids' and closed the door." - Tom
Conway
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Mixed Results
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
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THE MUSTARD STORY
This is a true story. You have children so you will probably relate to this father.
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poop-on.'
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"Cell Phone Find"
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"
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Oneliner
"To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!"
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"Lancelot Bed Attire"
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.
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”Police Comments”
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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BBQ RulesIt is BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.Here comes the important part:(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine....(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.Important again:(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
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Billy Bob's Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
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Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
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Passwords
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client, and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately, that's a solution, not a problem. "Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and download their reports," says the consultant. "Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server." In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them. He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two or three digits. Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one extra twist. "Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to generate the passwords," the consultant groans. "Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and 'asphyxiate33.' "