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Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah", but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"
The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
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1. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables get someone else to hold them while you chop away.
2. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
6. And most helpful of all - DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE ABOVE HINTS.