Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
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We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
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I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
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"Football Signals"
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
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Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
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CleanPun - "Wallet Return"
Today's particular pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't like puns or have been experienceing stomach problems today, you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.
She picked up the wallet and examined it.
''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."
He was sputtering badly now.
''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it.
“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.
Do you understand?"
''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.
”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.
”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt.
"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.
”What fine print?"
''Here, just below the total."
She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''