HA HA, FOOLED YOU I GOT THE DATE RIGHT! :-)
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings. And a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: hello
WOMAN: honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: yes
WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It is only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?
MAN: sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: how much?
WOMAN: $90,000
MAN: ok, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They are asking $950,000
MAN: well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. if not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.
WOMAN: ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
HE TURNS AND ASKS: ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?
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The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story
of Elijah the prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She
explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut
the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then,
Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels with
water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this three
times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me
why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on
the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her
hand, "I know! I know!" she said. "To make the gravy!"
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"First Job Hunting"
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
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Handy Around The HouseEleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something look level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
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Oneliner
"No matter how busy people are, most are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are."
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CleanPun - "X-Ray Lie"
Never lie to an x-ray technician.
They can see right through you.