And Then There Was Science
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
Amen!
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"Snack Costs"
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
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CleanQuote
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
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"Common Sense"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
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A Child's View of Marriage
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied,
"Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
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Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Oh, Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this
sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her
she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe, and with that, Abe began
laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a
dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have
'tuberculosis,' he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!"
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The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had
an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
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Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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Popeye turns 75 this year. You can tell the sailor man is getting older. He
no longer eats spinach to fight Brutus. He now does it to fight
irregularity.