A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large
bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had
lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, noticing
the boy was missing. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped
into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but
most folks come here because they already like to read. No
sense wasting your time trying to convince them."
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The Third Biggest Lie
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received: - "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock." - "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height." - "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed." - "Of course I'll respect you in the morning." - "You don't look a day over 40." - "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study." - "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite." - "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same." - "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself." - "Your hair looks just fine." - "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there." - "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."
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The Good Old Days
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
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Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
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Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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Need a Haircut
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get
up and leave during the middle of his message. The man
returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I
went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the
service started?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
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A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
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Slow LeakThe right front tire on my car had a slow leak. I took it to the shop where I bought the tire, and they promptly removed the wheel and immersed it in a big tub of soapy water. This showed the leak was in a cracked wheel rim rather than the tire.I drove to the dealership for a new wheel rim, and they asked,"Which wheel?"I replied, "The clean one!"
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The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Tunnels
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
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Field Test
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. “Don't congratulate me, sir,” my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant's doing.” The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major's wife just had a baby girl.”
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Everything's Ducky
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
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Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will
go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some of them:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by
brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law
Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry.
--Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment
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A little while after my mother was widowed, it became apparent that she was
unable to open the garage door by herself. Being the macho man that I am,
I've decided to install an automatic door for her. I worked very hard on my
project. Very proud of my achievement, I gave the remote control to my
mother and said, "Here, Mom, you open it."
After she gingerly pressed the button, the garage door slowly started to
move upwards, making the usual chug-chug-chug sound.
All of a sudden, the chugging was interrupted by a loud "Squeal! Yelp!
Yelp!!" Bewildered, we looked under the garage door. Standing on its hind
legs and frantically waving front paws was the family mutt. My mother tied
the poor dog to the garage door's handle.
Instead of lowering the door, my mother tried to free the almost-hanging
pooch from his collar, the remote control firmly clutched in her hand. I was
rolling on the grass laughing. I finally wrestled the remote from my mother,
lowered the garage door and freed the dog.