A Good Haircut"
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
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When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."
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During a church leadership meeting we were talking about attendance numbers.
Our pastor noted that the previous Sunday we had about four people who did a
head count and they all came up with different numbers. He wasn't sure what
to do about it.
I raised my hand and reminded him of a rule I came up with several years ago
that specifically address such situations. I call it "Todd's Rule of the
Head Usher's Sunday Service Head Count. "
The Pastor reluctantly took the bait and asked what that special rule might
be.
I explained: "The Usher with the highest head count is always right."
To which a brother in the back added, "And add ten percent if you're
Pentecostal."
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"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick
surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld
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STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
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LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt----when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
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DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."
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HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
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When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our home
had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son, Curtis.
One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?"
Allan, looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's
still there!"
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Todd was arrested again and the detective was leafing through his crime
history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, armed robbery,
armed robbery, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, armed robbery, forgery,
armed robbery..."
"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I
was good at."
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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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The Visitor
For those under 65 and over 8 ..
>A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
>The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
>As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first
major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
>The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
>stranger to leave.)
>Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
>My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
>I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
>More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
>His name?....Well, we just call him, "TV."
>He has a younger sister now. We call her, "PC."