The Robot Bartender
The Robot Bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender working behind the counter.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ, sir?"
The man replies, "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and the inaccuracies in The DaVinci Code.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool. I wonder if it works every time?" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, about 50, I think."
And the robot says....real slow,
"So..... is... your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for.. president ???
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The Explorer
by Robert Byron
Henry had been exploring the mountain wilderness for what seemed like an
eternity and a day but in reality it had only been two days. He had come to
know the area like a blind man knows the back of a complete strangers hand
and now he was lost in this unforgiving land that was void of fast food
restaurants and dry cleaners because he was too lazy to take the map out of
his back pocket of his Levi Strauss and Company original 501 denim jeans.
His hunger churned like the waves of a stormy sea but Henry would not have
known that fact because he had never been to the ocean. He decided that he
must eat before pressing on.
He opened a can of beans and was reminded of a time that seemed so long ago
but was only a week ago when he had been having dinner with the former
governor of the state who had resigned when it was found out that he had
bribed government officials to pass a law allowing riverboat gambling on
public airlines. Yes, that day he had eaten a healthy portion of beans and
broccoli casserole but he had no time to think about such things now. Even
though he longed for a can of potted meat, he knew that he had to find his
way back to civilization and he had to do so quickly as this was his last
can of beans except for the three dozen or so that he had stashed away in
his backpack along with two pairs of pants, seven shirts, eight pairs of
socks and an extra pair of underwear. Henry knew that if he failed to find
his way back he would surely starve in a matter of weeks unless he were able
to find an ample supply of food that he thought he could probably find
without much trouble at all. His belly full of beans, Henry moved onward.
The mountains surrounded the valley like really, really big things
surrounding a really, really little thing and Henry climbed the mountain
like a speeding locomotive wouldn't. He climbed higher and higher and higher
and higher and higher until he was almost to the summit and then he climbed
higher and higher and higher until he reached the top. He had no time to
rest but he decided that he would rest and while he rested he surveyed the
area like a dog looking for a big juicy bone that had just been cut off a
steak and tossed like a boomerang into the wind. In the distance he could
see the sun setting like a one hundred pound lead pipe falling on a four
ounce rotten orange and smashing it into oblivion. He decided to camp there
for the night and his thoughts turned to the woman he loved but who had just
broken up with him because he was co-dependant and didn't floss regularly
and was always leaving his socks in the fish bowl.
Henry awoke the next morning and decided he had explored all he needed of
the wilderness of trees and woodland creatures. It was time he went home to
his empty house except for all his furniture and a big pile of money and
other possessions and his two roommates and their stuff. He pulled the map
from his back pocket and calculated that over the next ridge was highway 187
and if he took the north route he could turn left on route 33 and follow it
to the lake that holds water and fish, he'd be home by early evening. So
that's what he did and he even had time to stop at Stuckeys and have a pecan
log roll.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that
Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in
case, you know, FEMA shows up." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought for today...
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking. (LOL)
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LOST IN THE FIFTIES
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine
We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,
And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?
Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,
and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?
The milkman went from door to door,
For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.
The mail was delivered right to your door,
Without the junk mail that we all deplore.
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
As always we were striving, to find a better way.
But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,
when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I really miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!""Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.""This'll jar your preserves.""Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"Good Things/Compliments:"Cute as a sack full of puppies.""If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.""Gooder than grits."The Weather:"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.""It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."Descriptions:A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats.""He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."Insults:"She's uglier than homemade soap.""Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'""He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.""Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.""The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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For those who know, this'll bring ya a smile. For non-southerners,
this'll hep ya a mite.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in l ine," .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, yall is singular, .... all yall is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who d rive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
... and go your own way.
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all yall need a sign to hang on yalls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
Bless your hearts, & yall have a blessed day.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry P., Kendall P., and Dan are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says Larry P.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says Kendall P.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says Dan.