Changing a Light Bulb
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.
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Organized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. "Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
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What Sound
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?Monkfish! What bit of fish doesn't make sense?The piece of cod that passeth all understanding! What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?A fish tank! What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?Tsardines! What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
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A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of
wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown
down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and he
can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a
young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the
hat and returns it to the rabbi.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," says
the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his
hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the
rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the
racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse
named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50, and sure enough, the
horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1,
so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally, at the end of the day, he returns home to his wife.
When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught
the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the
track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their
names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named
Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house; Chapeau is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese
horse named Yarmulke."
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Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
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New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.