Scientific Experiment
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it? (Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)
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Short Landing
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. Finally, he lands. He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide."
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A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
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Resistor
My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together
electronic kit for Christmas. He learned that if you put a
resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from
the speaker.
During the six-hour car trip home from my parents' house,
Nick had had about enough of his five-month-old brother's
constant crying in the car. So he said, "I wish I had a
resistor in my ear!"
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Weird News
Wayward pengiuns fly home
CASSINO BEACH, Brazil (UPI) -- Some of the hundreds of penguins that had migrated too far north on the coast of Brazil have been flown back to their feeding grounds on a military plane. The 373 young Magellanic penguins, which were among about 1,600 emaciated birds that showed up in locations hundreds of miles north of their normal feeding grounds in July, were rehabilitated by animal welfare groups before being flown 1,550 miles to the southern coast of Brazil in a Brazilian air force cargo plane, CNN reported Wednesday. About half of the wayward birds survived their ordeal. "We are overjoyed to see these penguins waddle back to the ocean and have a second chance at life," said Dr. Valeria Ruoppolo, a veterinarian with the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which coordinated the rescue. Experts said changes in currents and wind temperatures likely confused the young penguins and contributed to them wandering too far north.
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Bored postman allegedly dumped mail
LLANDUDNO, Wales (UPI) -- Prosecutors in Llandudno, Wales, say a postal worker admitted tossing thousands of pieces of mail in the woods because he "had lost interest in his job." Adam Stuart, 22, admitted in court to two counts of delaying mail and stealing 67 postal packets after authorities said he dumped thousands of parcels near his home and opened some letters to steal club card vouchers for the Tesco grocery store chain and other items, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday. "He stated he had lost interest in his job, having not been paid for the work he had done, so he couldn't be bothered," prosecutor Dafydd Roberts said. Defense attorney Richard Williams asked for sentencing to be delayed until reports could be submitted concerning Stuart being diagnosed with dyspraxia, which he said affects his client's coordination and thinking skills. Stuart, who was released on unconditional bail, is due back in court Nov. 5.
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Family finds 7-foot snake under car hood
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio (UPI) -- An Ohio family discovered a 7-foot-long boa constrictor under the hood of their car, officials with the Clark County Humane Society say. Ed Sisler, humane society director, said the family told staff they were warned about the snake's presence by neighbors who spotted it slithering toward the vehicle, the Dayton (Ohio) Daily News reported Wednesday. "It took the kid a substantial amount of time to untangle it from under the engine," Sisler said. Sisler said his organization is hoping the owners of the snake, which staff nicknamed "Buddy," will claim their pet. He said the reptile will be offered to educational institutions as a classroom pet if it is not claimed. "He has an excellent temperament but likes to hiss," Sisler said.
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"Late Arrival"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
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Oneliner
"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."
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CleanPun - "Pumpkin Math"
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
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”Baseball Quote”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"
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Sentry DutyA new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler.""I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."The General said, "Drive on!"The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
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"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand
sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we
didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in
Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with
her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
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The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."