Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month." "Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"
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You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
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After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of
doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
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Why are Firetrucks Red ?Firetrucks have four wheels and eight men. Four and eight make twelve.There are twelve inches in a foot. Rulers are a foot long. Queen Elizabeth II is a ruler and is also the name of the largest ship that sails the seven seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and the Russians are red. Firetrucks are always Russian therefore firetrucks are red.
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Biblical Sacrifice
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
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Anniversary CitationDriving home after working late the other day, I was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary, which was the truth.However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer said, "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is paper, right?"
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A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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To Pun Is Human
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - Every calendar's days are numbered. - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. - He had a photographic memory that was never developed. - A plateau is a high form of flattery. - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
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Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
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Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
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Puns Are The Lowest Form of Humor
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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Men are good for only one thing!
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"