A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when
a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The
first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the
second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy
says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for
five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't
like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins
the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the
eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses
that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick
on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the
local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all
flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back
his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square
and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
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Photo
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an
alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15.
Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a
citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it" was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?"
asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S.
government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before
it's destroyed."
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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
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Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
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Saint Peter & the musician
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
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Laundry
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
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Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth.
When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The
last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight,
nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point,
could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
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Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to send out
invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had baby-sitting duty
that day, I entered his name on the "copy to" line.
Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email back from my
husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that your
invitation wasn't sent only to me."
He was referring to the "Subject" line of my message, which read, "Lunch and
a shower."
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No matter how busy people are, they are never too busy to stop and talk
about how busy they are.
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Rejection Rejection"
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with yourown:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of . After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite 's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm beginning on . I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
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CleanQuote
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."- Richard Zera.
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"Our Shepherd" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in): "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.""Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.""Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.""Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."
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Q: Who are the two most famous baseball players in the Bible? A: Rebekah: walked to the well with a pitcher.A: Prodigal son: He made a home run. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."