Accuracy!
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years
old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and
he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and
a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose
this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at
me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Kidnapped"
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that, within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Oy!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Sunshinerose28 -- Questions to Ponder
Can you cry under water?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but
it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that
extra penny going to?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we
figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
luggage?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like every two hours?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
called a hearing?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask
where the bathroom is?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-----------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a
car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address
in the first place?
******************************************************
Thanks to Sunshinerose28 -- Is Your Hut on Fire?
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut
out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements,
and to store his few possessions.
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to
find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up
to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and
everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief,
grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do
this to me?"
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a
ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue
him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary
man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they
replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering.
Remember that the next time your little hut seems to
be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke
signal that summons the Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today... Don't take life too seriously. You'll never
get out of it alive.