Speed TrapVIP preferential treatment for high flyers...
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. “You know,” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?” The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 80 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”The supervisor asked, “Is it the Governor?”The young trooper said, “No, he's more important than that.”The supervisor said, “Oh, so it's the President.”The young trooper said, “No, he's even more important than that.”The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”The young trooper said, “I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
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Bad Day DriverShort tempers lead to tall problems...
I had a really bad day last week. I inadvertently rear ended a van.When we pulled over and got out, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the other driver was a dwarf.As he approached with a sour look on his face, he looked up at me and said, “I am not happy!”I couldn't help myself. I asked him, “Well then, which one are you?”That's when the fight started...
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"Return Policy"
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
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Oneliner
"To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question...or is it?"
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CleanPun - "Clown Bite"
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
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1907 to 2007: Century of Change
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...
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Church Squirrels
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Hillary's Baby
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. “How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul ErdosA statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on average he feels fine. – AnonymousDefendit numerus: There is safety in numbers. - AnonymousErrors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all. – Charles BabbageExpert: a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels BohrFor every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. – Henry MenckenGod does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. – Albert EinsteinHe who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem. - ConfuciusI think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged. – Roger JonesIf it’s green, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it has numbers, it’s math. If it doesn’t work, it’s technology. – AnonymousImpossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet. – (http://www.possibells.com/ - where 'All Things Are Possibell')If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. – Rita Mae BrownLike dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment. – Jean Baudrillard Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. – Joseph KrutchMathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way. – George PolyaMathematics is the science which uses easy words for hard ideas. – James Roy NewmanNot everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert EinsteinNumber theorists are like lotus-eaters – having once tasted of this food they can never give it up. – Leopold Kronecker‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics. – Eric T. BellOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. – Andrew LangOld mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions. – AnonymousOld statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex. – AnonymousPerfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare. – René DescartesStatistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. – Evan EsarStatistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. – Aaron LevensteinStatistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. – Morris KlineStatistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. – Evan EsarThe best defense against logic is ignorance. – Blaise PascalThe most painful thing about mathematics is how far away you are from being able to use it after you have learned it. – James NewmanThe real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. – Sydney HarrisThe solution of every problem is another problem. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. – Samuel CrothersThere are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. – Benjamin DisraeliThere’s no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from. - Anonymous... click here for The Best Use of Logic ...
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