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Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Church Drive
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
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A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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The TRUTH about Barbecuing
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will
do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following
chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beverage in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beverage while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it
to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to
the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night
off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing a woman.
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Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman
who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he,
being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,
"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you
knew, didn't you?" and hung up.