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Dog Driver
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
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It won't be long before John (the guy that keeps GCFL
running) will be an official Father. Estimated time of
arrival is now August 25th! More updates later. */
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to
do is change my grip."
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Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.
If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...
In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.
From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.
The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.
I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
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Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
I swallowed a goldfish.
Your lipstick works better than crayons.
Does grape juice leave a stain?
The principal called...
But DAD says that word all the time.
What's it cost to fix a window?
Has anyone seen my earthworms?
I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
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BOUDREAUX IN COURT
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a
truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what
happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into da . . . . "
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer
and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer
and was driving her down da highway when dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall.
But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me,
I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by
her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he
came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin'
so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a
look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between
da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in
hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you
feeling?'"
"Now what would you say?"
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Power Outage
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was betteron his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God Said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which willtake two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sentfaxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. Theydownloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job.
Suddenly, 10 minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenlyflashed across sky, thunder and the rain poured down and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restartedtheir computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's allgone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from thepast two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He must havecheated! How did he do it????!"
(You'll love the punch line...)
God shrugged and said,"JESUS SAVES"...