Friday, June 17, 2005

hUMOR For June 17th

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Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
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Men and Women
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
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Shipwrecked
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red.
He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says.
"I think I've been marooned!!"
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A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
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OOPs! Church Notices

1) The young children are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with
anyone.

3) The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4) The audience is asked to remain seated until the
end of the recession.

5) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

6) Ushers will eat latecomers.

7) For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8) Bro. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.

9) The minister will preach his farewell message,
after which the congregation will sing, "Break Forth
Into Joy."

10) During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

11) Next Sunday Bro. Jackson will lead the
congregational singing for the morning service. The
preacher will then speak on "It's a Terrible
Experience."

*****

The Poor Preacher

After worship service one Sunday, a little boy walked
up to the minister and handed him a quarter. The
minister asked why did he give him the money. The
little boy said, "Because my dad said you needed it
and I want to help you out."

The minister asked why he thought that way and the
little boy responded, "Because my dad said you were
the poorest preacher he had met."

WHO WILL PAY THE BILL?

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy
man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun
said while patting his hand. "We do have to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you
pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my
sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun." said
the man. "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the
nun replied. "They are married to God." The man
said with a smile, "Okay, then bill my
brother-in-law."
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The Preacher's Mother and the
Usher

A friendly usher greeted an elderly woman at the door
of the church building. "Where would you like to sit?"
he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The preacher is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the preacher's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.