Honest LawyerAn investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
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Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
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Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
***
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman
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The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...
"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."
"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."
"I function well as an individual and a group."
"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."
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Georgia town claims scarecrow record
HOSCHTON, Ga. (UPI) -- A small town in Georgia claimed Tuesday to have beaten the world record for scarecrows by about 1,500, setting up about as many as there are people in the area. Hoschton City Clerk Kristen Smith said the town got some outside help creating 4,800 straw men, women and even deer. She told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution people from other towns built scarecrows and brought them to Hoschton. "It's the coolest thing," she said. Robbie Bettis, the organizer of the effort, spent Tuesday recording the results, tagging and photographing the scarecrows lining State Highway 53, the main road in town, as well as tree-lined subdivision streets. The scarecrows represent a cross-section of straw humanity, dressed as everything from prisoners to ministers. Bettis's goal was 4,000 scarecrows, which would have been more than enough to beat the record set in 2003 by the Cincinnati Horticultural Society, 3,311. Hoschton, in a rural area east of Atlanta with a population of about 1,700 within the city limits and 4,800 in its zip code, is a lot smaller than Cincinnati. The town and Bettis will not know for several weeks whether the Guinness Book of World Records recognizes its achievement.
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Man hits sword attacker with walking stick
GATESHEAD, England (UPI) -- A Gateshead, England, 60-year-old said he was able to fend off a samurai sword-wielding attacker by striking him in the head with his walking stick. David Fawcett, 60, said he was walking with friends Elaine Layton and Tony McConnell shortly after midnight Monday when they saw a man urinating outdoors, The Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "Elaine asked him to stop. He got a bottle of beer and smashed her three times in the hand," said Fawcett, a retired social worker. "I got between them and he ran off saying he was going to get a sword and kill us." "Elaine phoned the police but we didn't really think too much of his threat," Fawcett said. However, he said the attacker showed up five minutes later and began chasing the trio with a samurai sword. Fawcett said they fled into a nearby take-out restaurant but the tenacious attacker attempted to smash the glass doors with his sword. He said he finally forced the attacker to give up by clocking him over the head with his walking stick. Police said they arrested the 30-year-old suspect after a brief chase. "I don't think there was anything heroic about it. It was terrifying. I was shaking after but I had to protect my friends. When I saw they were going for Elaine, I had to do something," Fawcett said.
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We Don't Have AnyI was a manager at a toy store. A few years back during the height of the Furby craze I overheard one of my cashiers say to a customer, "We haven't had any for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting any soon."I quickly assured the customer that we would have a shipment in next week After she left, I read the cashier the riot act. "Never tell a customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week. Now, was she looking for a Furby?""No ...""Well, what was it she said she wanted?""Rain."
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Awareness Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man
who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the
hospital for evaluation.
En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked,
"Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the
ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."