Door Signs
Vern checked into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
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A Great Cup of Tea
This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June
1998.
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful,
but it makes your life more complicated?
I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu.
Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed
the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read.
And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the
tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in
the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained
it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the
flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom. I didn't
use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
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It has been scientifically proven that 40% of the population doesn't care
what the other 60% are doing.
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Medicine
Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put
her in the White House .....
and then half the country will be out looking for work."
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The Macarena
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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Strange Fact
"The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth"
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"Stolen
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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Oneliner
"Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other."
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CleanPun - "Frisbees"
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
Then it hit me.
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”Walking Home From Church”
Vernie was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said little Vernie. "Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little Vernie.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked little Vernie.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the RLDS church back at the top of the hill," replied the little Vernie.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little Vernie.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea,"replied the little Vernie. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little Vernie finally remarked ...
"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTISTand a RLDS member!!!
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Miracle Diet
An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.
The clerk follows the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.
The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:
"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"
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I love this one, a real classic:
Cup Holder
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.
At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.