Clue-ChallengedThe server had to be taken offline on an emergency basis to fix a major problem and restore corrupted data. The group responsible did a wonderful job of minimizing downtime and keeping everyone informed about the progress, reports a technician there.But once it's all over, one particularly clue-challenged middle manager sends along a request for handling the next crisis. "Any chance we can conduct these activities over the weekends? This was not a good thing to have happen during the standard workweek."
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You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your
teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well,
I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you
could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered
1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the
ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be
boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold
up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself.
The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat
yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running
down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with
that incredibly sharp tool of yours.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you
missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been
mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I
may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I
will take that paper mask off your face.
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Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
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Girlfriend in the Car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
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It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
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"I don't know why people are surprised that France wouldn't help us get
Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either." - Jay Leno
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This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!!