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Thanks to J&G B: Police Officers have a sense of humor -- the following quotes prove that...
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Thanks to LRM: Reflections of a Parent
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can tell you about drinking, but I cannot say, "No"
for you.
I can tell you about drugs, but I cannot prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I cannot force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with an unconditional love all my life...and I will.
-Author unknown
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Third Baptist: The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.
Ana-Baptist: The people didn't like First, Second, Third or Fourth Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves Nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.
Calvary Baptist: The people crucify their pastor regularly.
Community Baptist: It is a social community club.
Conservative Baptist: The people don't talk to strangers.
Cooperative Baptist: They compromise with anybody and anything.
Free Will Baptist: They draft wills for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.
Fundamental Baptist: Fund a mental Baptist.
Grace Baptist: They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!
Immanuel Baptist: They are in manual mode: Church leaders must push them to serve.
Independent Baptist: The people don't depend on God.
Memorial Baptist: It is dead.
Monument Baptist: It is history.
Missionary Baptist: They send out missionaries who are sick and tired of fellowshipping with people who don't do anything.
Open Door Baptist: They lock the doors after Sunday morning services.
Pentecostal Baptist: It is for people who work for the Pentagon.
Primitive Baptist: They don't divide or multiply among themselves.
Progressive National Baptist: They are members of NASCAR.
Seventh Day Baptist: The other six days are for party.
Southern Baptist: The people hate cold weather.
Third World Baptist: The people love the world so much they don't mind coming in third.
Tabernacle Baptist: Hmmm ... it doesn't LOOK like a tent.
United Baptist: The people are union members.
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A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away...... Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and ! she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in avacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs "Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
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Wrong Number
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"