Wireless Security System
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a
really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of
Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30
minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed
checking equipment, drove through a school zone within the
legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went
off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by
again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for
a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. So, he
made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and
tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an
envelope from the police department containing three traffic
citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a seat belt.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Never Too Old"
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you - but then again, you should consider your track record."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Museum curator's son: Art
Book printer's daughter: Paige
Trout fisher's daughter: Brook
Publisher's daughter: Mag
Woodworker's daughter: Peg
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Work At Home
by Robert Byron
Dear Sir,
I am writing in reference to your recent email regarding the immediate need
and willingness to train and develop even non-experienced individuals in
local and international markets for a work at home enterprise. I am
interested in your uncapped commissions, bonuses and residual income from
repeat business and I'm sure that I meet your criteria for self-motivated
individuals. As a matter of fact, I was motivated enough in just the past
year to find five different jobs. All of my supervisors even told me that I
was so good that they were going to have to let me go because I had brought
all the other employees to my level. Pretty impressive, eh?
Although your opportunity is enticing, I am unable to send you a fee of
twenty-five dollars at this time and I would like to take this opportunity
to inform you that I already work at home. I cook, clean, do laundry, mow
the lawn and now you want to pile more stuff on me? And to think that you
want me to send you money so you can tell me how to do it. Are you out of
your mind? I have a three-year-old who shows me how to work at home and he
does it for free.
So, unless you want to send me the information for free, do the work for me
and send me a check, please don't waste my time with any more of your lame
emails telling me how I can be rich for twenty-five dollars. How many people
have sent you twenty-five dollars? I hope at least one person does so that
you can at least get back your investment.
Best regards,
Herb McGillicutty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - Shakespear
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer That's terrific. The last officer only
gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red,
have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Do You Believe in God?
NBC this morning had a poll on this question. They had
the highest number of responses that they have ever
had for one of their polls, and the percentage was the
same as this:
86% to keep the words, IN God We Trust and God in the
Pledge of Allegiance 14% against.
That is a pretty 'commanding' public response.
I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I
didn't.
Now it is your turn .... It is said that 86% of
Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very
hard time understanding why there is such a mess about
having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God
in the Pledge of Allegiance.
Why is the world catering to this 14%?
AMEN!
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Count Your Blessings!
A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in
sunny Florida talking about all their ailments:
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this
cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad
I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my
hands are so crippled, volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! I can't hear you!" said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my
neck," said a fifth to which several nodded weakly in
agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly
walk," exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an
elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"
winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman
cheerfully. "THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"
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And The Last Laugh goes to one sent by Gary Grizzel --
Potatoes
1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell
everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to
soil their hands. You might call that type "Dick
Tater."
2. Some people never seem to be motivated to
participate. They are content to watch while others
do. They are "Speck Taters."
3. Some people never do anything to help, but they
are gifted at finding fault with the way others do
things. They might be called "Comment Taters."
4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause
problems. They look for others to agree with them. You
call them "Aggie Taters."
5. Then there are those who always say they will,
but somehow never get around to doing anything. They
are "Hezzie Taters."
6. Some people put on a front and act like they are
someone they are not. They are "Emma Taters."
7. Still, there are those who live what they talk.
They are always prepared to stop what they are doing
to lend a hand. They bring real sunshine into
others' lives. You might call them "Sweet
Taters."
--- author unknown