Early Shopping
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?""Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy."How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?""Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
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Blonde Christmas
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
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Christmas Confusion
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
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Hemingway HallA visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.""Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?""Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."
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You are out of tune
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
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Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
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Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
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For my 30th birthday, my husband treated me to a day at a spa, highlighted
by an herbal body wrap. I was painted with an herbal mix, wrapped up in
cellophane and bound tightly with Ace bandages. I commented to my attendant
how uncomfortable women of the past must have felt wearing their corsets.
"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Aren't you glad we don't do crazy stuff like
that anymore?"
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Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien
Civilization Ever to Reach Earth...
"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within
one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS but don't
break the chain. The last star system that broke the chain was instantly
sucked into a black hole never to be seen again.
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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's
flat." - Buzz Nutley
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Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
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A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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