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Career Change
When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
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CleanQuote.
"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner."
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An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
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Myron recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Myron was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Myron replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Myron replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Myron replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have dangerous hobbies?"
"No," said Myron, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Myron and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
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Exhortations & Stuff
A Preacher Resume
A church was in need of a preacher, and one of the
members was interested in finding out just what kind
of preacher the church wanted. In order to do this he
composed a letter as though it had been received from
a preacher and read it to the committee selecting a
new preacher.
"Gentlemen: Understanding that you need a preacher, I
would like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications that I think you would appreciate. I have been blessed to preach with power and have some success as a writer. Some say that I am a good organizer. I have been a leader in most places I have gone. Some folks, however, have some things against me. I am over fifty years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years at a time. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I have to admit that I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still get a good deal done. I have had to work at my trade to help pay my way. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I have not gotten along too well with the religious leaders in different towns where I have preached, and I am sure that they will not recommend me. In fact, some of them have threatened me, taken me to court, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known even to forget whom I have baptized. However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you, even if I have to work to help with my support."
After reading the letter to the committee, and asking
if they were interested in the applicant, they replied
that he would never do for their church. They were not interested in any unhealthy, trouble-making, contentious, ex-convict; and were insulted that his application had ever been presented! But one of them did ask the preacher's name, and the member replied, "The Apostle Paul."
(Author Unknown)