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Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list,
and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we
really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
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The Hokey Pokey
*The Hokey Pokey*Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick withinThen soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
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CleanQuote.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station!
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Secret Sin
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
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Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage
restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing
impaired."
You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing
consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
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Why does everything seem to fall
apart this time of year!???
The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer &
pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. We always
clean the lint from the filter after every load of
clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us
something. He took the filter over to the sink & ran
hot water over it.
Now, the lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm
sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks
like. WELL......the hot water just sat on top of the
mesh!!! It didn't go through it at all!!!
He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that
mesh & that's what burns out the heating unit. You
can't SEE the film, but it's there.
He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a
very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is
to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water
& an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every
six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer
at least twice as long! How about that???!!!! Learn
something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer
sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by
running water on it. The water ran thru a little bit
but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen.
I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I
had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it the
water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any
puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was
talking about!
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Buy a BibleA pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financialtroubles.While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons ofnew bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from thecongregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul,and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen andwere likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts aboutLouie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because hewas embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, theminister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their carsstacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report theresults of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediatelyasked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my salesprowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected onbehalf of the church.""Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You areindeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the churchlast week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am aprofessional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, andhere's $280 I collected."The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You aretruly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, didyou manage to sell any bibles last week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend openedit and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here!Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door,in just one week? Louie just nodded.That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We areprofessional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many biblesas we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I thinkyou'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-biblef-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-justl-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-0toy-y-you??"