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First Apartment
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for
a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious
host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents,
and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
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Cancelling Cards
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
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Earthly Treasures
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
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Defense Contractor
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
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Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone
Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you really really dumb. Someone has stolen tent."
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NOTE: Now, folks, let's get our senses of humor out
of storage and limber up our cheeks and prepare to put
our tongues in our own respective cheeks... Laugh
already... :) TS
Thanks to AB: "A Feminist Fairy Tale!"
Once upon a time,
In Ireland far away,
A beautiful independent
Self-assured princess
Saw a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy
Doing so.
That night,
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
--Author unknown. Found circulating the Web.
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Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
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Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
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Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style".
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive
to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down
to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio,
El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink
Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for John Kerry"
"Hillary in 2008"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your gun."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.