++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: You are entering a bad pun zone!
GCF: Consultant
We just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question.
He said, "I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you."
++++++++++++++++++
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:
"Bush Can't Swim!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Need a Pen?"
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Attack"
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a circus?
Go for the juggler!
++++++++++++++++++
Bugs
by Robert Byron
When my son was eleven months old, he had an appointment to get his picture
taken on a Saturday afternoon at four o'clock. My wife wanted to get her
hair cut the same day, and prior to our son's appointment, so she called a
local hair salon to set up an appointment for a haircut. She made the call
and told the woman at the salon that she wanted an appointment before four
o'clock because of our prior commitment. She was told by the hairdresser
that the earliest appointment available was at four o'clock and my wife
thought that since she couldn't go at four o'clock, she could at least have
some fun with the hairdresser on the phone. "Can you wash my hair. It's
really greasy," my wife said.
"What do you mean greasy?" the woman asked.
"Well, it hasn't been washed in a couple of weeks and it could really use a
good washing."
The woman paused for a few seconds before replying. "Yes ma'am. We wash
hair," she said reluctantly.
"Will you be the one washing it?"
"Let me see who's available. Can you hold for a moment?"
"I'd really like for you to be the one to wash it."
"OK, Let me take a look at the schedule a moment. Can you hold?"
"Sure, I can hold."
The woman put my wife on hold for a couple of minutes and when she returned,
she said, "It looks like I'll be available to do your hair."
"That's great," my wife said. "Can you treat for bugs?"
"Excuse me?"
"Can you treat for bugs?"
"What do you mean by bugs?"
"Oh, you know, bugs."
"Head lice?"
"Yes, that's it."
"No ma'am we don't. We can't cut your hair if you have lice."
"What if I don't have lice?"
"Do you have lice?"
"If I don't, you'll cut my hair?"
"Yes ma'am but if you have lice there isn't any point in you coming in for a
cut."
"Do you wash hair if it has lice."
"No ma'am. If you have lice we can't touch your hair and we are not allowed
to let you into the shop. It's a state law."
"That sounds like discrimination to me."
"No ma'am it's not discrimination, it's a health law. If you come in with
lice they could spread to other people."
"Are you saying that I have lice?"
"No ma'am I'm not implying that you have lice. Do you have lice?"
"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock and you'll wash my hair,
right?"
"Ma'am, before I can make the appointment I need to know if you have lice."
"I've never been asked that question before when I've made a hair
appointment. Is that normal?"
"Well, no but in light of our conversation I think the question is
warranted."
"Why?"
"Because you are asking if we cut people's hair if the have lice, that's
why."
"Well, can you cut my hair?"
"Do you have lice?"
"No."
"Then why are you asking questions about head lice?"
"I was just curious."
"So you don't have head lice."
"Not anymore."
"You had head lice?"
"When?"
"Ma'am, have you had head lice recently?"
"What do they look like?"
"I don't know. I've never seen one."
"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock please."
"Ma'am I don't think that's going to be possible. What did you say your name
was?"
"Well, look at the time. I have to go. I'll talk to you later! Bye!
(click)