Questions

Questions
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner? Gave him the cold shoulder.
What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?
Swallow the leader.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back.
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? He wanted a light snack.
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell that a vampire is lazy? He uses leeches.
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them up all day.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes "Quack-quack?" Count Duckula.
What kind of dog does Dracula own? A blood hound.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty? Tired blood.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Where does Dracula water ski? Lake Erie.
Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.
Which songs does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine"
and "Sunshine on My Shoulders."
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get any sleep? Because of his coffin.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper.
What did the little ghost's mom give him for lunch? A boo-loney sandwich.
What do baby ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
What do ghosts serve for desert? I scream.

QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS

QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

PHOTO DROP

PHOTO DROP
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Don't Worry ... It's Right There on the Home Page

Don't Worry ... It's Right There on the Home Page
This small not-for-profit organization is looking for ways to cut costs,
and one obvious solution is to make all the research it produces available
on a Web site, says a technician working there.
"That will wean subscribers away from bound reports, which are expensive to
print and mail," he says.
"A big selling point is that this makes all the latest information
immediately accessible, rather than subscribers having to wait for the
report to be updated and printed every several years."
"Another advantage is that subscriber companies could make the information
available to more people in the organization."
Everybody wins. What could go wrong?
Electronic versions of the reports are uploaded. Then a slick, full-color
brochure is designed and printed, touting the benefits of using the Web site.
"After the marketing piece is distributed, it is proudly displayed at a
staff meeting," says the technician.
"Only one problem -- no one bothered to let the editors look over the
brochure before it was approved for printing."
"We immediately noticed that the Web address appeared nowhere in the entire
brochure."

The Little Red Hen

The Little Red Hen - Modern VersionOnce upon a time, on a farm in Indiana, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?""Not I," said the cow."Not I," said the duck."Not I," said the pig."Not I," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did;The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain."Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen."Not I," said the duck."Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow."I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.At last it came time to bake the bread."Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen."That would be overtime for me," said the cow."I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck."I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves.""Excess profits!" cried the cow."Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck."I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.The pig just grunted in disdain.And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and aroundthe little red hen, shouting obscenities.Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must notbe so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen."Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise systemso wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. Butunder our modern government regulations, the productive workers mustdivide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle,"And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand," But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.Hillary got $8 million for hers.That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years,repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

A young preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."