Baseball Quote
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and
said, "I need a baseball quote."
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous quote: "It ain't over
'til it's over!"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the
first thing that came into my head."
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did.
Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"
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"Yard Sale Anger"
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
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Three men about to dive into a magic swimming a granted a wish. The first wished for bananas. He dived and landed in a pool full of his favorite fruit bananas.
The second man being money hungry wished for a pool full of money to land in. His wish was granted and he landed in a pool full of money. [of the paper variety]
The third man who happened to be named Vern Allen stumbled as he walked to the end of the diving board and said oh poop. Can you guess what he landed in?
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CleanQuote
"If you are always shouting at your children, when it's really serious, they won't h-e-a-r you. A whisper beats a shout." - Mark Victor Hanseni
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"God is Watching"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You
list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of an email,
send it off and wait for a response.
Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular
items. In short order, I got three responses. However, nobody had any of the
items I'd listed. But they all found what I'd written amusing. "Wanted -
envelopes, piano bench and one
night stand."
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An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts
to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed.
Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working
on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.
"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.
He shook his head. "None of them."
"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."
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"Television has brought back murder into the home where it belongs." -
Alfred Hitchcock.
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Thanks to LaMi -- On the Lighter Side... FIRST THINGS
FIRST
The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly
conduct. The police sergeant told them they were
entitled to one phone call, assuming they would call
their parents or a lawyer. Some time later a man
entered the station and asked for them by name. The
sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?" "Nope,"
the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their
pizza."
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From GCFL: An Emotional Hole
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and
were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,
looked down the fairway, and began to sob
uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's
wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed, and dried his
eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst.
"I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -- it
holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could
have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in
a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing
12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack
-- right at this very hole!"
"Oh no!" the other golfers said. "That must have been
horrible!"
"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in
disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the
rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it
was... hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag
Alice..."
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And todays last laugh (new feature -- something really
funny to end the days post with) -- Thanks to Marti --
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at
my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is
mail on the porch table that I brought up from the
mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail
in the garbage can under the table, and notice that
the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and
take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as
well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there
is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go
inside the house to my desk where I find the can of
Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to
push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock
it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I
decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it
cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be
watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my
reading glasses that I've been searching for all
morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly I spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to wa tch TV, I will
be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that
it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of
it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some
towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I
was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done
today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy
all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to
get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to
everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have
sent it to.