The Yellow Suit
My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit.
When my mother picked out a yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.
My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty - just like a big yellow school bus."
The suit stayed in the dressing room.
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In a small mid western conservative town, a new tavern started building planning to open a new business. A local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The construction progressed steadily, however, the week before opening, lightning hit the bar and it burned to the ground. Afterward, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook. Soon the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was, direct or indirectly, ultimately responsible for the demise of his building. The church vehemently denied all responsibility and any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court until the judge examined the paperwork at the hearing and commented to the litigants, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.
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New FatherThe first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right."So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." --P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." --Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." --Patricia Heaton
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A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department
store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by
putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent
the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud
crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves
of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And
this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks
like on the inside."
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An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the
Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon he was asked
to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese,
his address was to be translated by an interpreter sentence
by sentence.
"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be
asked here today."
A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's
face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches him-
self until he dies, only to be with you today."
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Family Priorities
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.
The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.
One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."
He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."
Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it.
The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it.
The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too.
When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills.
"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."
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"Military Intials"
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.
However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
So I did.
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CleanQuote
"A word to the wise does no good. It's the stupid people out there that need the help."- Bill Cosby
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"Romance" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
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Small TownYou Know You Live in a Small Town When...The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's tractor.The local phone book has only one yellow page.Third Street is on the edge of town.You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
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"Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie
career. He said he's not getting the movie roles that he
wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued
a response and said, 'It is our job to stop people from
making bombs.'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they
are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."
--Dave Letterman
***
"This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood
said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear
Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers.
It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I
looked stupid with bangs." -Dennis Miller
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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large
business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't
happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He
saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit
and start his own business.
About two years later, I was on vacation and was going
through the town where his business was located. I stopped
by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is
the hardest for a new business."
"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing
pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have
to work half a day."
"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going
into business for myself."
"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter
which twelve hours you work."
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As I was dropping off my son at his daycare the other day,
I overheard some of the other children talking about their
siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one little boy.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the littlest child in the group piped up.
"My sister takes antibiotics!"