"Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is
the man who blocked the Internet in his own country. He has
a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — Current mood:
Evil." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in
nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how
nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps."
-David Letterman
***
"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He
will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State
Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of
-Conan O'Brien
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A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning
of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running
across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I
wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
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The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion,
but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated
by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as
far away from
from fantasy land ended in
became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.
One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the
restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely,
slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and
left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The
enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one
of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to
tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"
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Men's Room
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
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Love Note From Vern To Dottie
To Dottie, the love of my life:
There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb
the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would
swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.
With love and tenderness,
PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.
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Buy a Mac
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.
I was against it and an argument started.
I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"
And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
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The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
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Calming Albert
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"
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Caught Stealing
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
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King of the Jungle?
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
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Fishcakes
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.
"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."
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Male assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.