Pencil
Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.
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Smart Salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
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Women's IntuitionAlso known as 'woman's intuition', this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's life almost better than he does.Why is this?In the early 90's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower!
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Hair Loss
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.
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Four Thirds
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..." The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!" "Well - just take a larger pot!"
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An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
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New Bride
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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Classes for Men
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each. Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation. Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion. Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics. Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video. Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups. Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape. Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials. Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation. Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing. Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Math Quiz
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?" Student: "It's 42!" Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?" Same student: "It's 24!"
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Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ
1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING back flips, etc... 2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again 3. One word: Whined 4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster. 5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to practice his Force skills until they kicked him out. 6. Learned to shoot baskets again.
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The man who lost his ear
There where 2 men in a bulding site. 1 of them said "can you help me find my ear" The other man said "is this it" The other man said "no, mine has got a pencil behind it"
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"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they
walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is intro-
ducing a new 12 mile long buffet." --Conan O'Brien
***
"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and
it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of
interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They
have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.
It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting
an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to
K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart
***
"I don't even know why I try anymore. My date last night
was very embarrassing. After dinner, she went around the
bar handing out her card." -Dave Letterman
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Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag
a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting
work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and
they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders
and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ulti-
mately led to television...and later to the remote control.
--Dave Berry
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A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden
block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the
hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
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Stop vs. Slow Down
Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ....
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the
deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain
that he has a better education then any cop from Houston,
Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says," License and
registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the
stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy.
"License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me
go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the
deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out a squirt
gun and starts spraying the lawyer all over his face. He
then asks, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"