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Mom and Computers
All I know about computers I learned from my mom:
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is
a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the
presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full
meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A
software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa
Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to
requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing,
then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your
shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load,
but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them
this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid
out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to
find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave
us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing
the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one
sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the
principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being
able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was
then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously
an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the
number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on
the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to
turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced
when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert
on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that
things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local
area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
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"Mom's List Of Things She Does Not Want To Hear"
1. I swallowed the goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time!
6. What's it cost to fix a window?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your underwear.
10. I'm running away from home. (Well, maybe some days.)
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Following are answers given by elementary school-age
children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just
used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would
be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did
he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking
bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad
is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my
fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the
dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it
be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister
did it and not me.
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Thanks to memphisbelle -- Oldie but Goodie
A woman received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by
the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car to find she had locked her
keys inside.
She had get home to her sick daughter, and didn't
know what to do. She called her home to the baby
sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that
to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat
hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked
their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy,
bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The
woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to
help me?" But she was desperate, and thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get
home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock
my car." He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car
and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got
out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"