Over 60?
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
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Marriage Requires Teamwork!A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
My husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! Of toilet paper and stand
in
Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
Between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk
Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through A
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
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A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm
23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was
very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and
said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know."
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A Stone's Throw
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
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Toronto
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you." The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title." The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
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Deep Thoughts
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? - Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? - Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? - Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? - Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? - How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? - Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? - Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? - When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?' - Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? - Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
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For The Kids...
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money.
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Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The
next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your
own:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to
inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]