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Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something
'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy
was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your
former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - California
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
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REDNECK CHALLENGE (Tongue in cheek...)
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how
many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many [big orange drinks] will be drank before the
trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
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Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything since.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
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Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"