********************************
Spanking
Once there was a little boy who never got into trouble. But one day, he broke a window, so his dad said, "Go upstairs and think about what you've done and I'll be up to give a spanking."
So this little boy is sitting upstairs, scared because he's never gotten a spanking and doesn't know what it's like.
About 20 minutes later, his dad comes up, spanks him, then goes back downstairs.
The little boy is just sitting there, crying. Suddenly he stops, pulls his pants down, and backs up to the mirror. He gasps in shock, then pulls his pants back up. He runs downstairs to his dad and says, "Are you satisfied now, daddy? You cracked it!"
******************************************************
Hated Potatoes
A kindergarten teacher decides to let her class play a game. The teacher tells each child, in the class, to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.
Each potato is to be given a name of a person that the child hates. So, the number of potatoes (that a child will put in his/her plastic bag) will depend on the number of people he/she hates.
So, when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated.
Some had 2 potatoes, some 3, while some had up to 5 potatoes.
The teacher, then, told the children to carry the potatoes in the plastic bag with them, wherever they go (even to the toilet); for 1 week. Day, after day, passed by and the children started to complain; due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes.
Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended. The teacher asked, "How did you feel while carrying the
potatoes with you for one week?" The children let
out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through, having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.
Then, the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said, "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody, inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go.
If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes, for just one week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"
Moral of the Story:
Throw away any hatred, for anyone, so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! Love others even if you don't like them.
******************************************************
Even if you're not a grandparent you
will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils
how they spent their spring vacation.
One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.
I waited for a little while then said, "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set.
Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time. To his "May I help you?" I said, "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
********************************
IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON...(WHOSE MIND WANDERS)
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
******************************************************
WEATHER ALERT
+ The National Weather Service has issued a warning
for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne.
+ The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is
therefore highly unpredictable.
+ Experts predict that this one will cause the most
damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years.
+ They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be
advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush
******************************************************
I may have sent this before, if so, it wouldn't be the first time I sent something twice... :)
A Slip Of The Tongue
Well, it happened again. I have had a few slips of the tongue through the years, but each time I have resolved to _never let that happen again_ _ no matter how much the audience seemed to enjoy it; and they do seem to enjoy such things. This past Sunday morning I was preaching along and, despite physical pain and medication side effects, I was, I believed, doing all right.
The trouble came when I was discussing the Christian armor. I read the appropriate passage and proceeded to emphasize the value and merit of each piece of armor listed. I talked about the breastplate of righteousness, the loins girt about, the feet shod, the helmet, the shield and the sword. Then, to emphasize each piece of armor, I asked the audience how they would feel going into battle without them. I said, _Would you like to go into battle, where the enemy was shooting arrows and darts and throwing stones, with no protection for your mid-section? How about your lower legs and feet? Would you like to go unprotected there? Would you like to go into battle with nothing to cover your head? And (here is where the trouble came) would you like to go into battle with your breasts exposed?_
I didn_t realize what I had said until Amanda (with entirely too much joy) pointed it out when we got home. Just for the record, the correct way to have said it would be: would you like to go into battle with your chest unguarded. Oh well_ live and learn.
Tim
******************************************************
It is indeed amazing that ...
... the temperature during worship will be too hot/too cold.
... that the sermon will be too long/too short.
... that the songs will be too fast/too slow.
... that the sermon will be too deep/too shallow.
... the preacher will be too friendly/too unfriendly.
... the audience will be too loud/too quiet.
... the pews will be too too hard/too soft.
... the announcements will be too short/too long.
... the sermon will be too loud/too quiet.
... the preacher will be too serious/not serious enough.
... the people serving at the table will be too underdressed/too overdressed.
... the sermon will be unjustly addressing my faults/unjustly failing to address my needs.
... the worship will start too late/too early.
Isn't it amazing.