Atheist HolidayU.S. court case sets new Atheist Holiday…
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case Dismissed.”The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists' holiday!”The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date... April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53 which state, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!”
+++++++++++++++++++
World Record ChallengeThings get ugly for Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb & Quasimodo...
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”So they all decided to go to the Guinness World Records office in London, England to have their claims verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, “Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart AttackNew hope for brain-dead people...
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, “I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”“Oh, Dear,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. “We've never had a Democrat in the family before!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Folks' PerksHow to increase the heart rate of an aging husband...
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?A: “I remember these.”
Perks of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into theroom.13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weatherservice.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember themeither.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list .20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience...
+++++++++++++++++++
1907 to 2007: Century of ChangeWhat a difference a Century makes!
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...