Granny HumourWipe up after yourself...see also Granny Chair
Shar was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter Nikki as she'd done many times before.After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grammy, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”
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Doctor! Doctor!A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.""He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.""How can you say all that without even meeting him?""Didn't you say he was 13?"
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"Ask Jeeves"
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
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CleanQuote
"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old."
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Illustration - "Don't Go To Bed" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Don't Go To Bed....
I've heard it said don't go to bedwhile hanging on to sorrow,you may not have the chance to laughwith those you love tomorrow.
You may not mean the words you speakwhen anger takes its toll,you may regret your actionsonce you've lost your self control.
When you've lost your temperand you've said some hurtful things,think about the heartachethat your actions sometime bring.
You'll never get those moments back,such precious time to waste,and all because of things you saidin anger and in haste.
So if you're loving someoneand your pride has settled in,you may not ever have the chanceto say to them again...
"I love you and I miss youand although we don't agree,I'll try to see your point of view,please do the same for me."- Author Unknown
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Falling Fast
Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist decides to do an experiment to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light, to the 3rd floor of a building and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist writes in his book: "A thermometer falls with the speed of light."
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Before Computers
An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank accountAnd a floppy disk was somethingTerribly wrong in your back. Compress was something you did to garbageNot something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in publicYou'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the roadA mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paperAnd the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashBut when it happens they wish they were dead!
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Perspective
After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-yearold blonde." "Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair." His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television." The man rethought his priorities.
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Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." Related Image "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' " "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are." 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" 2) How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God's first name? "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer." "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve." "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused. "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …" St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too." "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy." "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?" "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own." St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"