Out of Town
by Robert Byron
A major hotel chain was running a promotion and thought it would be a good
idea to spread the good news through direct telephone marketing. Little did
they know that I would be awaiting their call as I do calls from all
telemarketers.
"We are running a limited time offer that allows you to stay two nights in
one of our hotels for the price of one."
It sounded like a good deal but I just had to inquire, "What's the catch?"
"Actually, there is no catch. It's as simple as it sounds."
"How much is this going to cost me. How much money do you want?"
"I'm not asking for any money. I'm just calling to tell you about our
special limited time offer."
"That's it? You aren't asking for money?"
"No sir, I'm not asking for money. If you are planning a vacation or
business trip in the near future, I'll be glad to reserve a room for you at
this time, if you would like."
"Will it cost money?"
"Yes sir."
"So, let me get this straight. If I book a room, you'll ask for money, is
that correct."
"Yes sir."
"But you said you weren't asking for money."
"Well, I haven't actually asked you for any money and I won't unless you
reserve a room at one of our hotels."
"That's a little misleading don't you think?"
"I certainly didn't mean to offend you sir and I apologize if I did."
"Oh, no need to apologize. It's my fault actually. I get this way when I
have to go out of town."
"Do you go out of town often?"
"I've never been out of town."
"Oh, so this is your first trip out of town. Will you be needing to stay in
a hotel?"
"No, I'm not going out of town."
"Well, if you should need a hotel, please feel free to call us and we will
be glad to set up a reservation for you."
"Is it half price for just one night."
"It would be the regular charge for one night."
"I thought it was half price."
"That's only if you stay two nights."
"That doesn't seem fair."
"It's just the promotion that we are running at the present time."
Well, if I reserve a room for two nights, can I sublet the second night to
someone else?"
"I really don't think that's allowed."
"I've done it before. Why couldn't I do it now?"
"Didn't you tell me that you have never been out of town?"
"I might have but I didn't say that I haven't stayed in a hotel."
"Sir, are you interested in reserving one of our rooms?"
"I might be. I just might be."
"I'll be happy to book that reservation for you."
"Okay, that sounds good. What kind of hourly rates do you have?"
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From GCFL: How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used
work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside
your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says
something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more
ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit
bulls, they've just been wormed."
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From GCFL: School Zone --
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed
checking equipment, drove through a school zone within
the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a
camera went off, taking a picture of his car and
license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by
again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it
again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same
result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the
traffic department and tell them that their machine
wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer
received an envelope from the police department
containing three traffic citations, each of them were
for NOT wearing a seat belt.
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The Last Laugh... Thanks to my friend, Jack Phelps,
for an old favorite --
An old preacher lay dying. He sent a message for an
IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When
they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As
they entered the room, the preacher held out his
hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the
bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly,
smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no
one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old man would
ask them to be with him during his final moments. They
were also puzzled because the preacher had never
given any indication that he particularly liked
either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked,
"Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come
here?"
The old preacher mustered all his strength, then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's
how I want to go.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some of these have been around a long time, but we thought
they were interesting. Enjoy!
Colloquialisms from the 16th Century
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames
by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that
for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would
supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead
is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the honey month or what we know today
as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would
yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle
down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this
practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by
June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. Baths equaled
a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw
the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the pets. . . dogs, cats and other small
animals, mice, rats, bugs, lived in the roof. When it rained
it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and
fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and
dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean
bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and
hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence
those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when
wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence
a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers
in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in
there for a month. Hence the rhyme: " peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really
special when that happened. When company came over, they
would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It
was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped
eating tomatoes . . . for 400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers --
a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got
into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would
get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for
a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the
custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and
would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In
reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to
have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a
string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have
to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the
bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that
someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."