Monday, January 21, 2008

hUMOR For Jan 21st

"Walk-in Scream"

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Pizza Pie

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

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Physics Jokes

- Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

- Polymer physicists are into chains.

- What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees".

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Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

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Workplace Haikus

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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Let's Be Honest

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the

opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with

a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Paulson,

gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me

$10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He

handed it to Paulson. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and

we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

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Unlikely Hero

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful, as well as astonished, that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery.

That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."

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"Got the Munchies?"

Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.

"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.

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Oneliner

"Every silver lining has a cloud."

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Oneliner

"Every silver lining has a cloud."

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”Sewing Machine Ad”

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

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Legal Eyesight

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are
you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old
and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see
at night?"

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"