"Valentines Day ads have been on for a month now. 'Get her
flowers; send her flowers; she really wants flowers. Flowers
or you die.' Every guy has his own flower strategy, but I
prefer the single red rose. Simple, romantic, easy to steal
from the cemetery." -Craig Ferguson
***
"A woman in
she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm
thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"
-Dave Letterman
***
A buck is a dollar and dough is money. Why are deer called
a buck and a doe? Does this mean we should call our loose
change fawns?
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I saw this little gem on The New Yorker online. The scary
part is that I've actually had conversations very similar
to this...
The Wisdom of Children
by Simon Rich
A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the
Kids' Table.
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I'm having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let's talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won't tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but
when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.
MOM: I'm angry! I'm angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I'm angry, too! We're angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I'm crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don't tell the kids.
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Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you
note from my sister for the present I had sent her. However,
her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving
my gift, a well taped box of chocolates, she had immediately
put it in the freezer because she had already gained about
six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation.
One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving
a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in
anticipation, opened the box, and discovered the frozen black
sequined evening purse I had given her.
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Dog Watch
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
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Biting Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
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I have finally found the key to happiness. Unfortunately fate had the locks
changed.
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Engineers vs. Accoutants
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" Says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Confusing Genie
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"
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Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
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digital clock
Q: What did the digital clock say to his mother?
A: Look ma no hands!
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White Gloves
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist
and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with
petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white
gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my
husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a
towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie
and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
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The Best Part of Waking up……………………………..
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
As she reached the bottom, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"