"In a speech yesterday, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become
more like him. I think they're taking his advice, because
today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a half dozen walnuts in
his mouth." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The Emmy Awards were last night. It was a very tough night
for me. I will admit I got a little carried away with the
acceptance speech and started going on and on. But they
didn't have to kick me out of Hooters." -Dave Letterman
***
"A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's
like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an
atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are
a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't
know why." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a
senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-
ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into
them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a
lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would
extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion
would blow out the match."
+++++++++++++++++++
Being CoolA young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on
the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,
"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you
tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and
look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
+++++++++++++++++++
Final Exam
Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
+++++++++++++++++++
Who's Kenneth
Knock KnockWho's there?Kenneth!Kenneth who?Kenneth little kids play with you!
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman, a bus and a baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
+++++++++++++++++++
Better With Age
Two women were old friends. They had both been married to their husbands for a long time.
As they sat in the living room one day drinking coffee, as was their custom, one of them expressed concern because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" she cried.
"I'm so sorry for you," replied the other, "As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day."
"Yes," the distraught woman looked up, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driving Flash"
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool - her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Teller Postion"
First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleeping JurorA lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."
+++++++++++++++++++
"What really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances
is that even if we like the features, we won't be able to
use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires
THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with
the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third
(37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who ap-
parently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when
I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120
buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS,
DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK." -Dave Barry
***
"In a new book Mexico's former president, Vincente Fox, says
that President Bush's Spanish is at grade-school level.
Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt because Fox made
the comments in Spanish." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen
about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest
historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"