An Irish priest is driving down to
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?
Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
Sh e said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flyn n woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
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Naming Issuese
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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Car Wash
A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for
a special trip to
They made a large sign that read:
CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP.
On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by
two o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were
hardly any customers. Finally, one of the soprano singers
had an idea.
She printed a very large poster with the words:
WE WASH. GOD RINSES.
(Next to the words was an arrow pointing skyward.)
Business boomed!
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Warren Buffett Quotes
Clear message to all banks spending billions on writedowns:
Rule No. 1: Never lose money. Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.
A public opinion poll is no substitute for thought.
Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
I always knew I was going to be rich. I don't think I ever doubted it for a minute.
I am quite serious when I say that I do not believe there are, on the whole earth besides, so many intensified bores as in these
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I don't look to jump over 7-foot bars. I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over.
I never attempt to make money on the stock market. I buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not reopen it for five years.
I violated the Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn't count; building arks does.
I won't close down a business of subnormal profitability merely to add a fraction of a point to our corporate returns. I also feel it inappropriate for even an exceptionally profitable company to fund an operation once it appears to have unending losses in prospect. Adam Smith would disagree with my first proposition and Karl Marx would disagree with my second; the middle ground is the only position that leaves me comfortable.
If a business does well, the stock eventually follows.
If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians.
If you have a harem of 40 women, you never get to know any of them very well.
In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.
It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently.
It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.
It's far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price.
Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.
Look at market fluctuations as your friend rather than your enemy. Profit from folly rather than participate in it.
Most people get interested in stocks when everyone else is. The time to get interested is when no one else is. You can't buy what is popular and do well.
Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars.
Only buy something that you'd be perfectly happy to hold if the market shut down for 10 years.
Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked.
Our favorite holding period is forever.
Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.
Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing.
Risk is a part of God's game, alike for men and nations.
Rule No. 1: Never lose money. Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.
Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.
The business schools reward difficult complex behavior more than simple behavior, but simple behavior is more effective.
The first rule is not to lose. The second rule is not to forget the first rule.
The investor of today does not profit from yesterday's growth.
The only time to buy these is on a day with no “y” in it.
The smarter the journalists are, the better off society is. For to a degree, people read the press to inform themselves, and the better the teacher, the better the student body.
There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult.
Time is the friend of the wonderful company, the enemy of the mediocre.
Value is what you get.
We believe that according the name 'investors' to institutions that trade actively is like calling someone who repeatedly engages in one-night stands a 'romantic.'
We enjoy the process far more than the proceeds.
We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and to be greedy only when others are fearful.
When a management team with a reputation for brilliance tackles a business with a reputation for bad economics, it is the reputation of the business that remains intact.
Why not invest your assets in the companies you really like? As Mae West said, “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
Wide diversification is only required when investors do not understand what they are doing.
You do things when the opportunities come along. I've had periods in my life when I've had a bundle of ideas come along, and I've had long dry spells. If I get an idea next week, I'll do something. If not, I won't do a damn thing.
You only have to do a very few things right in your life so long as you don't do too many things wrong.
Your premium brand had better be delivering something special, or it's not going to get the business.