Sheep Herder
There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead.
After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone.
She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd, can I take one home?"
The sheep herder said, "Sure!"
The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep."
The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! That is absolutely right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home."
The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car.
The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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Circles"
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.
“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.
“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”
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Oneliner
"You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot."
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CleanPun - "Dog Dance Lessons"
This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's dancing improving?"
"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your dog has two left feet."
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”White Gloves”
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
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Walking on Water
Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather
had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to
the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Joe and
Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling.
When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side
of the boat ... and almost drowned.
Furious and somewhat ashamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Joe
arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an
explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father,
and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his
eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January ... you were born in July, dear."
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Vern was telling his buddy about his diagnosis of his high blood
pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
"Well, did you quit," asked his buddy.
Vern replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a
drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since."
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Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost
his wallet.
Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me
ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in
it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."
A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"
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"President Bush met with the king of
waffles.'" - Craig Ferguson
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Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
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Helping To Clean The Dishes
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
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Calf Value
A motorist driving by a
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."
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Your Daughter is Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
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Elephant Picture
Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points at a
picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'
elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ...
"A f r i c a n Elephant."
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
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"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry,
maybe they should brag about it in their commercials.
'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it
can make your hair look luscious!'" --
***
"I think the most memorable experience I had in
visiting the cathedral at
cathedral. Beautiful stained glass, and it's a very, very
moving experience, and as I was writing my name on it with
a can of spray paint..." --Steve Martin