The big
The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was
the worst earthquake disaster in
the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake
hit the
totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in
from out of state.
When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-
jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the
Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-
fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,
the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to
fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called
it the San Andreas Fund.
However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute
to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that
charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.
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A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was, "
On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!
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Lost Cell Phone
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
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First
My fiance had been sent to basic training in the Coast Guard
at
him when he was given his first liberty. That evening we had
a wonderful, quiet dinner, and then we took a romantic,
moonlit walk toward the ocean. But at the sidewalk's end, he
stopped.
"Let's go down to the water," I suggested.
"What?" he replied. "And have the sand ruin the shine on my
shoes?"
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Most Wanted
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
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Signs of the Times
- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
- At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
- In a
- In an
- In a
- On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
- On the wall of a
- On a long-established
- In a
- On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
- In a
- In a
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Excuses, excuses
The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.
- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
- Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
- Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
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Letter of the Law
On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."
Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:
"Extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."
"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "Since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."
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Why does everybody dye food green on St. Patrick's Day?
Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels. We won't eat
any real food that's green — spinach, broccoli, lettuce —
but dye a Cinnabon green..." -Jay Leno
***
"Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks
louder than your talk talks." -John Maxwell
***
"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a
bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your
girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."
--Basketball player George Underwood
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I went into the restaurant next to the office and ordered
a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're
out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."
The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same
tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,
I’d have to get it on white.
The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of
being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The
waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you
the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"
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"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are
going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of
water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
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Two bowling teams, one the Blonde Bombers, and one the Dapper Deans, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
The Deans down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized he hadn't heard anything from the Blonde Bombers upstairs. He decided to go up and investigate.
When the Dean reached the top, he found all the Blonde Bombers frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. Dean asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blonde Bombers looked up at him, swallowed hard and whimpered ... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'
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