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Thanksgiving in the UKA few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK."Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.""Why then?""That's when you chaps left."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with onedrummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When amusician just can't handle his instrument and doesn'timprove when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Andif he can't handle even that, they take away one of hissticks and make him a conductor."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with onedrummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When amusician just can't handle his instrument and doesn'timprove when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Andif he can't handle even that, they take away one of hissticks and make him a conductor."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." - Will Rogers
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Here is today's Illustration. - Knowledge
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
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(Roughing It) - with the punch line!
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
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Some Puns...Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisysays to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated thismorning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!" ***** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kidswere nothing to look at either. ***** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "Mydog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." Sohe picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have toput him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." *****I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other daybut I couldn't find any. *****I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." *****I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. *****What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *****Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"*****Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey,we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want adrink named Larry?"
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Some Puns...Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisysays to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated thismorning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!" ***** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kidswere nothing to look at either. ***** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "Mydog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." Sohe picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have toput him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." *****I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other daybut I couldn't find any. *****I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." *****I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. *****What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *****Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"*****Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey,we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want adrink named Larry?"
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AllergiesA little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
hUMOR FOR Nov. 29th
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Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with ablast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the newfriends he'd meet, and so on.When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and cameback home with a lot of glowing reports about school.The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready forschool."What? Again?" he asked.
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A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
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A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
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You know you live on the Gulf Coast if...You have FEMA's number on your speed dial.You have more than 20 C and D batteries in yourkitchen drawer.Your pantry contains more than 10 cans ofSpaghetti-Os.You are thinking of repainting your house to match theplywood covering your windows.You are delighted to pay only $3 for a gallon ofunleaded.The road leading to your house has been declared a"No-wake Zone"You decide that your patio furniture looks better onthe bottom of the pool.You own more than three large coolers.You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricaneand not feel the least bit guilty about it.Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain;Today you can assemble a portable generator bycandlelight.You catch a 5-pound catfish.......in your driveway.You can recite from memory whole portions of yourhomeowners' insurance policy.At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guywith the biggest chainsaw.You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.There is a roll of tar paper in your garage. You can rattle off the names of three or moremeteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.Someone comes to your door to tell you they found yourroof.Ice is a valid topic of conversation.Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such acrazy idea.
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Some Puns...1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and getmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the receptionwas excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a cafe. One says,"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a cafe. The cook says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into an auto parts store. Theclerk says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 5. A man walks into a cafe with a slab of asphaltunder his arm and says, "A sandwich please, and onefor the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to theother, "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grassof Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
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Another loving jab at blondes... :Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate toget a better chance of catching something.The first man said to the other, "If you get lost,fire three shots into the air every hour. That way Ican locate you."After about 3 hours, the second man found that he wasreally lost. He decided to fire three shots into theair as the first man had told him. He then waited anhour and did it again. He repeated this until he wasout of ammo.The next morning, the first man found the second withthe help of forest rangers. He asked the first man ifhe had done what he told him to do.The man answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into theair every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with ablast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the newfriends he'd meet, and so on.When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and cameback home with a lot of glowing reports about school.The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready forschool."What? Again?" he asked.
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A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
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A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
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You know you live on the Gulf Coast if...You have FEMA's number on your speed dial.You have more than 20 C and D batteries in yourkitchen drawer.Your pantry contains more than 10 cans ofSpaghetti-Os.You are thinking of repainting your house to match theplywood covering your windows.You are delighted to pay only $3 for a gallon ofunleaded.The road leading to your house has been declared a"No-wake Zone"You decide that your patio furniture looks better onthe bottom of the pool.You own more than three large coolers.You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricaneand not feel the least bit guilty about it.Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain;Today you can assemble a portable generator bycandlelight.You catch a 5-pound catfish.......in your driveway.You can recite from memory whole portions of yourhomeowners' insurance policy.At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guywith the biggest chainsaw.You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.There is a roll of tar paper in your garage. You can rattle off the names of three or moremeteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.Someone comes to your door to tell you they found yourroof.Ice is a valid topic of conversation.Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such acrazy idea.
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Some Puns...1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and getmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the receptionwas excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a cafe. One says,"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a cafe. The cook says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into an auto parts store. Theclerk says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 5. A man walks into a cafe with a slab of asphaltunder his arm and says, "A sandwich please, and onefor the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to theother, "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grassof Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
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Another loving jab at blondes... :Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate toget a better chance of catching something.The first man said to the other, "If you get lost,fire three shots into the air every hour. That way Ican locate you."After about 3 hours, the second man found that he wasreally lost. He decided to fire three shots into theair as the first man had told him. He then waited anhour and did it again. He repeated this until he wasout of ammo.The next morning, the first man found the second withthe help of forest rangers. He asked the first man ifhe had done what he told him to do.The man answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into theair every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Monday, November 28, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 28th
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Ride To Church
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
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A Favorite... A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyedand upset when his girl wrote to break off theirengagement and ask for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all theunwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together, and sent them back with anote saying, "I regret that I cannot remember whichone you are. Please keep your photo and return theothers."
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MOTHERS SAID:PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you thinkyou have to go, young man. Midnight is past yourcurfew!"MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind youhaving a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growingunder your bed?"MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your fatherand I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smileyou can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told youonce, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on thatwall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you'vediscovered, Christopher. You still could havewritten!"BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I toldyou--quit playing ball in the house! That's the thirdbroken window this week!"MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on wallslike other children? Do you have any idea how hard itis to get that stuff off the ceiling?"NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren'thiding your report card inside your jacket, then takeyour hand out of there and prove it!"CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I toldyou--don't go biting off more than you can chew!"ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipehat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like theother kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are yourfavorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a littlepurple."MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followedyou to school, Mary, but I would like to know how hegot a better grade than you."BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do yourealize how much the insurance is going to be?"GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a bustedchair from the Bear family. You know anything aboutthis, Goldie?"LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got tosay is if you don't get off your tuffet and startcleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spidersaround here!"ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's yoursenior picture. Can't you do something about yourhair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch youthrowing money across the Potomac, you can kiss yourallowance good-bye!"JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell mewhere you've really been for the last three days."SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I havediscussed it, and we've decided you can have your owntelephone line. Now will you quit spending so muchtime in all those phone booths?"THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that youinvented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn offthat light and get to bed!"
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The Old PoodleA wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a lookof terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey?!?! I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"Moral of this story is "Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Charismatic : Only 1Hands are already in the air.Pentecostal : 10One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.Presbyterians : NoneLights will go on and off at predestined times.Roman Catholic : NoneCandles only.Baptists: At least 15.One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .Episcopalians: 3One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.Mormons : 5One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians :We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have foundthat light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.Methodists : Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.Nazarene :6One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.Lutherans: NoneLutherans don't believe in change.Amish :What's a light bulb?"You don't always get a second chance. Don't die wondering!"
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A Quick Fix...Three women were sitting around and bragging abouttheir children. The first one says, "You know, my songraduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now adoctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."The second woman says, "You know my son graduatedfirst in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer,making half a million dollars a year and lives in LosAngeles."The last woman says, "You know my son; he never didtoo well in school. He never went to any university,but he now makes one million dollars a year in NewYork working as a sports repairman."The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... youknow, hockey games, football games, baseballgames...."
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Building A Bridge (don't get all upset -- it is just ajoke. Folks are touchy these days, but here on DH welaugh at ourselves and everyone else. It keeps usyoung... or something like that. ts)The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.A group of them got together and approached aconference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese andasked for help on this matter.An American replied, "You must do something so theworld will respect you. The Japanese are known fortheir technology and the Germans are known for theirresourcefulness. We Americans have had respect sincewe helped win the World War against the other two.See, you need to do something world-famous."A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find aplace in this world in need of a bridge that no onehas dared build, build it, come back to us, and wewill help publicize it."With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.They designed it and worked six months and finallycompleted it. They then went back to report it to thegroup. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it hadone flaw: it was erected in the middle of the SaharaDesert.An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you haveyour reputation. There is no need for a bridge in themiddle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, andfind a more strategic spot to erect it."The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks.One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took youtwo weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a newone??? That is amazing!!"To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly.When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantleit because there were all these Italians fishing offit."
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Signs Your Church Has Sold Out To Big CorporateSponsors:- Nike "swoosh" on the cross- Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench- Personal pew licenses now sold- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters- Scripture verses brought to you by Windows '98- Preacher doing subliminal product messages duringsermon - Bulletin has coupon section- Choir members wear Dockers instead of robes.- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel- There is a credit card swiper on the collectionplate- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercardemblems on them - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family MedicalGroup, LLC - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by theFOX network - Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo- Free Perrier at all baptism- Church flag football team sponsored byt he XFL.
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A Seasonal Extra -- The Twelve Nights of HalloweenOn the first night of Halloween My true love gave tome... A vulture in a dead tree!On the second night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Two flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!On the third night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flyingbats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Threeblack cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a deadtree!On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree!On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting,Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three blackcats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Fourhooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And avulture in a dead tree!On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting,Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gaveto me... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning,Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Sevendoors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witchesbrewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!
Ride To Church
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
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A Favorite... A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyedand upset when his girl wrote to break off theirengagement and ask for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all theunwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together, and sent them back with anote saying, "I regret that I cannot remember whichone you are. Please keep your photo and return theothers."
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MOTHERS SAID:PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you thinkyou have to go, young man. Midnight is past yourcurfew!"MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind youhaving a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growingunder your bed?"MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your fatherand I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smileyou can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told youonce, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on thatwall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you'vediscovered, Christopher. You still could havewritten!"BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I toldyou--quit playing ball in the house! That's the thirdbroken window this week!"MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on wallslike other children? Do you have any idea how hard itis to get that stuff off the ceiling?"NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren'thiding your report card inside your jacket, then takeyour hand out of there and prove it!"CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I toldyou--don't go biting off more than you can chew!"ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipehat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like theother kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are yourfavorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a littlepurple."MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followedyou to school, Mary, but I would like to know how hegot a better grade than you."BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do yourealize how much the insurance is going to be?"GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a bustedchair from the Bear family. You know anything aboutthis, Goldie?"LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got tosay is if you don't get off your tuffet and startcleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spidersaround here!"ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's yoursenior picture. Can't you do something about yourhair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch youthrowing money across the Potomac, you can kiss yourallowance good-bye!"JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell mewhere you've really been for the last three days."SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I havediscussed it, and we've decided you can have your owntelephone line. Now will you quit spending so muchtime in all those phone booths?"THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that youinvented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn offthat light and get to bed!"
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The Old PoodleA wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a lookof terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey?!?! I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"Moral of this story is "Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Charismatic : Only 1Hands are already in the air.Pentecostal : 10One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.Presbyterians : NoneLights will go on and off at predestined times.Roman Catholic : NoneCandles only.Baptists: At least 15.One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .Episcopalians: 3One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.Mormons : 5One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians :We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have foundthat light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.Methodists : Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.Nazarene :6One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.Lutherans: NoneLutherans don't believe in change.Amish :What's a light bulb?"You don't always get a second chance. Don't die wondering!"
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A Quick Fix...Three women were sitting around and bragging abouttheir children. The first one says, "You know, my songraduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now adoctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."The second woman says, "You know my son graduatedfirst in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer,making half a million dollars a year and lives in LosAngeles."The last woman says, "You know my son; he never didtoo well in school. He never went to any university,but he now makes one million dollars a year in NewYork working as a sports repairman."The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... youknow, hockey games, football games, baseballgames...."
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Building A Bridge (don't get all upset -- it is just ajoke. Folks are touchy these days, but here on DH welaugh at ourselves and everyone else. It keeps usyoung... or something like that. ts)The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.A group of them got together and approached aconference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese andasked for help on this matter.An American replied, "You must do something so theworld will respect you. The Japanese are known fortheir technology and the Germans are known for theirresourcefulness. We Americans have had respect sincewe helped win the World War against the other two.See, you need to do something world-famous."A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find aplace in this world in need of a bridge that no onehas dared build, build it, come back to us, and wewill help publicize it."With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.They designed it and worked six months and finallycompleted it. They then went back to report it to thegroup. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it hadone flaw: it was erected in the middle of the SaharaDesert.An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you haveyour reputation. There is no need for a bridge in themiddle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, andfind a more strategic spot to erect it."The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks.One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took youtwo weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a newone??? That is amazing!!"To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly.When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantleit because there were all these Italians fishing offit."
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Signs Your Church Has Sold Out To Big CorporateSponsors:- Nike "swoosh" on the cross- Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench- Personal pew licenses now sold- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters- Scripture verses brought to you by Windows '98- Preacher doing subliminal product messages duringsermon - Bulletin has coupon section- Choir members wear Dockers instead of robes.- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel- There is a credit card swiper on the collectionplate- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercardemblems on them - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family MedicalGroup, LLC - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by theFOX network - Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo- Free Perrier at all baptism- Church flag football team sponsored byt he XFL.
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A Seasonal Extra -- The Twelve Nights of HalloweenOn the first night of Halloween My true love gave tome... A vulture in a dead tree!On the second night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Two flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!On the third night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flyingbats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Threeblack cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a deadtree!On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree!On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting,Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three blackcats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Fourhooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And avulture in a dead tree!On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting,Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gaveto me... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning,Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Sevendoors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witchesbrewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 27th
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Farewell Luncheon
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
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CleanQuote.
"How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose your parents." - Edward R. Nida
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Guidance
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
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Guidance
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
Farewell Luncheon
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
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CleanQuote.
"How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose your parents." - Edward R. Nida
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Guidance
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
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Guidance
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 26th
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One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in adesperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Issomething wrong?""Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving storyis in the Old Testament or New Testament!"---Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received aThanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family ontheir way to church. Grandma showed the card to her smallgrandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to goto church with their mothers and fathers.""Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dadcarrying that rifle?"---Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousandsof miles to be with people they see only once a year. Andthen they discover that once a year is way too often.---Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thoubless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
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A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's your IQ."
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CleanPun. - Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
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Take A Break and LaughA frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. Hecan see from her nameplate that her name is PatriciaWhack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take aholiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief andasks his name. The frog says his name is KermitJagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, heknows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loanwith some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I havethis," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, aboutan inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have toconsult with the bank manager and disappears into aback office. She finds the manager and says, "There'sa frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims toknow you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants touse this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what inthe world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it,aren't you?) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, yougrinned, I know you did!!!
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Ode to ThanksgivingThanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash it's windows, scrub it's carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in it's bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of it's open door and whine, "There's never anything to EAT in this house", and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for - when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away - I will be thankful that it's OVER!
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in adesperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Issomething wrong?""Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving storyis in the Old Testament or New Testament!"---Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received aThanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family ontheir way to church. Grandma showed the card to her smallgrandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to goto church with their mothers and fathers.""Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dadcarrying that rifle?"---Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousandsof miles to be with people they see only once a year. Andthen they discover that once a year is way too often.---Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thoubless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's your IQ."
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CleanPun. - Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
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Take A Break and LaughA frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. Hecan see from her nameplate that her name is PatriciaWhack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take aholiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief andasks his name. The frog says his name is KermitJagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, heknows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loanwith some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I havethis," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, aboutan inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have toconsult with the bank manager and disappears into aback office. She finds the manager and says, "There'sa frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims toknow you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants touse this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what inthe world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it,aren't you?) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, yougrinned, I know you did!!!
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Ode to ThanksgivingThanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash it's windows, scrub it's carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in it's bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of it's open door and whine, "There's never anything to EAT in this house", and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for - when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away - I will be thankful that it's OVER!
Friday, November 25, 2005
hUMOR For Novembe 25th
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12 Reasons you’ll be glad you burnt the turkey
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gainnewfound appreciation.5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.6. No one will overeat.7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascularworkout.9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard andplay football.11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likelyhe will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
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Turkey Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more!
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never give the devil a ride; he will always want to drive."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Sentiment
I guess I must have been poking through the cards for an awful long time, lingering from one card to another, because the clerk in the Hallmark store came over and said, "Sir, is there a problem?"
"Yeah," I sighed, "I can't find one my wife will believe."
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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just love this one... (ts)Things to Do in an Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elevator,tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn'tyou.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.Smile, and go back for more.3) Ask if you can push the button for other people,but push the wrong ones.4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone andask if they know what floor you're on.5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for afriend. After a while, let the doors close, and say,"Hi Greg. How's your day been?"6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick itup, then scream, "That's mine!"7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in theelevator.8) Move your desk into the elevator and wheneveranyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if theywould like to play.10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone getson, ask him if he can hear ticking.11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and reviewemergency procedures and exits with the passengers.12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing himoccasionally.14) When the doors close, announce to the others,"It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"15) Swat at flies that don't exist.16) Tell people that you can see their aura.17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead andmuttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and whilepeering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner,facing the wall, without getting off.20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, thenannounce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and backaway slowly.21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk tothe other passengers.22) Listen to the elevator walls with yourstethoscope.23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses abutton.24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while,and then announce, "I have new socks on."25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk andannounce to the other passengers, "This is MY personalspace!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
12 Reasons you’ll be glad you burnt the turkey
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gainnewfound appreciation.5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.6. No one will overeat.7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascularworkout.9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard andplay football.11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likelyhe will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Turkey Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never give the devil a ride; he will always want to drive."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Sentiment
I guess I must have been poking through the cards for an awful long time, lingering from one card to another, because the clerk in the Hallmark store came over and said, "Sir, is there a problem?"
"Yeah," I sighed, "I can't find one my wife will believe."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just love this one... (ts)Things to Do in an Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elevator,tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn'tyou.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.Smile, and go back for more.3) Ask if you can push the button for other people,but push the wrong ones.4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone andask if they know what floor you're on.5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for afriend. After a while, let the doors close, and say,"Hi Greg. How's your day been?"6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick itup, then scream, "That's mine!"7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in theelevator.8) Move your desk into the elevator and wheneveranyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if theywould like to play.10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone getson, ask him if he can hear ticking.11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and reviewemergency procedures and exits with the passengers.12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing himoccasionally.14) When the doors close, announce to the others,"It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"15) Swat at flies that don't exist.16) Tell people that you can see their aura.17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead andmuttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and whilepeering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner,facing the wall, without getting off.20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, thenannounce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and backaway slowly.21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk tothe other passengers.22) Listen to the elevator walls with yourstethoscope.23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses abutton.24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while,and then announce, "I have new socks on."25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk andannounce to the other passengers, "This is MY personalspace!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 24th
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/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.Received from ladyjjoke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Skunk
A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister'shousefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible mysisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sisterthatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of theoven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen andinserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She thenplacedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. Whenherserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulledoutthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my motherexclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At thereality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her thatturkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sick Husband...A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sentto thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man'swife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from seriousstress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in averyshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-freeenvironmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderfulmealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that youdon't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husbandasked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied,"Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B -- Bad News (Just a joke)Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, George W.Bush, his daily briefing. He concludes by saying,"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the president sits, head inhands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many isa brazillion?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Especially for Ken...What Language Are We Speaking Here???The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as thepreferred language for European communications, ratherthan German, which was the other possibility. As partof the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a five-year phased plan for what willbe known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example,cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What isclearly needed is a phased program of changes to ironout these anomalies. The program would, of course, beadministered by a committee staff at top level byparticipating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee wouldsuggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,sivil servants in all sities would resieve this newswith joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not onlywould this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikalworkers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekondyear, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph'would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make wordslike 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the newspelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where morekomplikated shanges are possible. Governments wouldenkourage the removal of double letters, which havealways been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e'sin the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould dropthes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothinghad hapend. By this tim it would be four years sinsthe skem began and peopl would be reseptive to stepssutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen zefunktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similararguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ofleters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventulihav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zervud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud finit ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru.
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.Received from ladyjjoke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Skunk
A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister'shousefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible mysisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sisterthatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of theoven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen andinserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She thenplacedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. Whenherserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulledoutthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my motherexclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At thereality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her thatturkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sick Husband...A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sentto thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man'swife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from seriousstress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in averyshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-freeenvironmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderfulmealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that youdon't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husbandasked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied,"Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B -- Bad News (Just a joke)Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, George W.Bush, his daily briefing. He concludes by saying,"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the president sits, head inhands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many isa brazillion?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Especially for Ken...What Language Are We Speaking Here???The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as thepreferred language for European communications, ratherthan German, which was the other possibility. As partof the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a five-year phased plan for what willbe known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example,cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What isclearly needed is a phased program of changes to ironout these anomalies. The program would, of course, beadministered by a committee staff at top level byparticipating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee wouldsuggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,sivil servants in all sities would resieve this newswith joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not onlywould this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikalworkers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekondyear, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph'would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make wordslike 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the newspelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where morekomplikated shanges are possible. Governments wouldenkourage the removal of double letters, which havealways been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e'sin the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould dropthes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothinghad hapend. By this tim it would be four years sinsthe skem began and peopl would be reseptive to stepssutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen zefunktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similararguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ofleters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventulihav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zervud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud finit ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 23rd
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Grandfather TurkeyJust before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's housefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister thatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When herserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled outthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The turkey shot out of the ovenThe turkey shot out of the ovenand rocketed into the air,it knocked every plate off the tableand partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner andburst with a deafening boom,then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,it totally coated the floor,there was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,it smeared every saucer and bowl,there wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,and thought with chagrin as I mopped,that I'd never again stuff a turkeywith popcorn that hadn't been popped.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of twochoices: take it or leave it.Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep onsinging.We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck,He could never test himself.Everything now seems to be under Federal controlexcept the National debt and the budget.Eventually every woman reaches the age when shedoesn't want any birthdays but still wants thepresents.There are times that parenthood seems like nothing butfeeding the mouth that bites you.It is better to nobly remembered than to be noblyborn.Life is a play; tis not its length, but itsperformance that counts.A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?The only time that a woman really changes a man iswhen he is a baby.Some people don't tolerate intolerance.Children have more need for models than critics.Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on thefood chain as we think.We live in an age where people would rather be enviedthan esteemed and when that happens, God help us.There is many a tear in the heart that never reachesthat eye. Most people spread more gossip than they digup.There is none so blind than he who will not see.Light is the task when many share the toil.We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit onthe curb and clap as they go by.A man is no better than his word and no bigger thanwhat it takes to make him mad.There are days when it takes all you've got just tokeep up with the losers.Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing youkeep yours.Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statuehas never been erected in honor of a critic.Most failures come from people who have the habit ofmaking excuses.There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that issecret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an openbook---generally a checkbook.We have killed more people celebrating ourIndependence Day, than we lost fighting for it.We should never blame the government for not doingsomething, it's when they do something is when theybecome dangerous.Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, andthey didn't. They got worse.The news that's not fit to print is what makes thenewspapers.A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse,not a remarkable mathematician.Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's adviceand to take everybody's advice.Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar intofour pieces with your bare hands and then just eat onepiece.When love adorns the home, other decorations aresecondary.Make your life a prayer.To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path offeast resistance.Beware of the person that likes to have their cake---and yours, too.Be yourself----who is better qualified ?Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they willleave the impression they need it.In life, as in football, you won't go far unless youknow which way the goal-post is.Some people who are looking for jobs are notnecessarily looking for work.A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn hisback to the crowd.Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightningwithout letting him feel the jolt.Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.The person who is always finding fault seldom findsanything else. Success usually comes to those who aretoo busy to look for it.The one thing worse than being alone is wishing youwere.An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets tolaugh.Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained bythe devil.There are some people who wind up on third base andnever make it home.In life, you can never do a kindness too soon becauseyou never know when it will be to late.Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hardto unspread it.An atheist is a man who has no invisible means ofsupport.If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get faraway in between times.Don't count your years; make your years count!Faults are thick where love is thin.We usually admire the other fellow more, after we havetried to do his job.HOW WOULD WE FEEL?If God gave us the same amount of time and attentionthat we devote to Him?If God put as many things ahead of us as we put aheadof Him?If God offered as many excuses as we do? And if theexcuses were no more justifiable than ours?If God's promises were no more certain than ours?If God withheld His blessings from us as we withholdour offerings from Him?If God loved Himself as much as we love ourselves andgave as little thought to us as we give to Him?
Grandfather TurkeyJust before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
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As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's housefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister thatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When herserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled outthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeyslay eggs!
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Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
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The turkey shot out of the ovenThe turkey shot out of the ovenand rocketed into the air,it knocked every plate off the tableand partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner andburst with a deafening boom,then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,it totally coated the floor,there was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,it smeared every saucer and bowl,there wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,and thought with chagrin as I mopped,that I'd never again stuff a turkeywith popcorn that hadn't been popped.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of twochoices: take it or leave it.Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep onsinging.We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck,He could never test himself.Everything now seems to be under Federal controlexcept the National debt and the budget.Eventually every woman reaches the age when shedoesn't want any birthdays but still wants thepresents.There are times that parenthood seems like nothing butfeeding the mouth that bites you.It is better to nobly remembered than to be noblyborn.Life is a play; tis not its length, but itsperformance that counts.A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?The only time that a woman really changes a man iswhen he is a baby.Some people don't tolerate intolerance.Children have more need for models than critics.Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on thefood chain as we think.We live in an age where people would rather be enviedthan esteemed and when that happens, God help us.There is many a tear in the heart that never reachesthat eye. Most people spread more gossip than they digup.There is none so blind than he who will not see.Light is the task when many share the toil.We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit onthe curb and clap as they go by.A man is no better than his word and no bigger thanwhat it takes to make him mad.There are days when it takes all you've got just tokeep up with the losers.Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing youkeep yours.Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statuehas never been erected in honor of a critic.Most failures come from people who have the habit ofmaking excuses.There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that issecret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an openbook---generally a checkbook.We have killed more people celebrating ourIndependence Day, than we lost fighting for it.We should never blame the government for not doingsomething, it's when they do something is when theybecome dangerous.Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, andthey didn't. They got worse.The news that's not fit to print is what makes thenewspapers.A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse,not a remarkable mathematician.Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's adviceand to take everybody's advice.Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar intofour pieces with your bare hands and then just eat onepiece.When love adorns the home, other decorations aresecondary.Make your life a prayer.To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path offeast resistance.Beware of the person that likes to have their cake---and yours, too.Be yourself----who is better qualified ?Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they willleave the impression they need it.In life, as in football, you won't go far unless youknow which way the goal-post is.Some people who are looking for jobs are notnecessarily looking for work.A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn hisback to the crowd.Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightningwithout letting him feel the jolt.Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.The person who is always finding fault seldom findsanything else. Success usually comes to those who aretoo busy to look for it.The one thing worse than being alone is wishing youwere.An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets tolaugh.Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained bythe devil.There are some people who wind up on third base andnever make it home.In life, you can never do a kindness too soon becauseyou never know when it will be to late.Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hardto unspread it.An atheist is a man who has no invisible means ofsupport.If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get faraway in between times.Don't count your years; make your years count!Faults are thick where love is thin.We usually admire the other fellow more, after we havetried to do his job.HOW WOULD WE FEEL?If God gave us the same amount of time and attentionthat we devote to Him?If God put as many things ahead of us as we put aheadof Him?If God offered as many excuses as we do? And if theexcuses were no more justifiable than ours?If God's promises were no more certain than ours?If God withheld His blessings from us as we withholdour offerings from Him?If God loved Himself as much as we love ourselves andgave as little thought to us as we give to Him?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 21st
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Captain Comeback
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:The sin ye do two by two ye must pay for one by one.Conversation between Adam and Eve must have beendifficult at times because they had no one to talkabout.If life knocks you flat on your back, just tellyourself, "Things are looking up!"The government solution to a problem is usually worstthan the problem.Lots of people live in beautiful apartmentsoverlooking the rent.According to U.S.A. Financial analyst Rick Edleman;an American parent serving as a cook, financialmanager, psychologist and bus driver should receive asalary of $508,700.00 a year.When some say that they want to serve God, they meanin an advisory capacity.The early Christians, [by teaching God's word], turnedthe world upside down. Now they will not all get onthe same side.The years seem to go by faster when you get olderprobably because you are going downhill.Most human beings have an almost endless capacity fortaking things for granted.Know how to listen, and you will profit even fromthose who talk badly.Twixt the optimist and pessimist, the difference isdroll; The optimist sees the doughnut, but thepessimist sees the hole.Aging is relative---in the time I went from 13 to 17,my mother aged twenty years!You can tell you're getting older, when you have lessdrive and more park.To always be ready, you must be able to cut a knot,for not everything can be untied.Speak when you're angry and you'll make the bestspeech that you'll ever regret.Pray for a good harvest------ but continue to hoe.You can't get much done by starting tomorrow.Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.A well-chosen word can speak volumes.There are no two people alike and they are both gladof it.The price of authority is responsibility.No one is useless if he lightens the burden of someoneelse.The only thing worse than repeating gossip is startingit.Better to stumble with your toe than with your tongue.Remember to forgive, then remember to forget.The manner in which it is given is worth more than thegift.It isn't necessary to put out the other fellow's lightto make yours shine more brightly.If we're unconcerned what the future holds for us thenwe have wasted our lives.Be like the postage stamp----stick to your job untilyou get there.If you don't wish to be shown up, don't show off.Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.Dedication and determination yield success andsatisfaction. Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.Experience is what causes people to make new mistakesinstead old ones.Better to trust a man who is frequently in error thanthe one who is never in doubt.When you fail, call it learning and move on.Gossip travels freely, but good news has to be helpedalong.If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved.A person who always says what they think is courageous---and friendless.Do the best that you can in this life----this is not arehearsal.In the old days no one locked their house, the mostthey feared might be a mouse.When there was no Interstate---we just leftearly---and we weren't late.The choice we make today affects tomorrow.If you must make mistakes, it will be more to yourcredit if you make a new one each time.Progress has little to do with speed and much to dowith direction.Others will follow your footsteps more easily thanthey will your advice.Why can't all life's problems happen when we'reteenagers, and know it all?Love gives us strength---friends----and life.Do not chose your friends by outward show, for thefeather floats where the pearl lies low.A smile is a language even a baby understands.
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Thanks to L.M. for these:Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chatspleasantly while he's overcharging you.It is often easier to hide something than to hide thefact that you are hiding something.The best way to make a small fortune is to start witha big one.Good instincts usually tell you what to do long beforeyour head has figured it out.The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to besure that one of them is a match.A house may be too small for one family, but it cannever be big enough for two.You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middleage, and "you are looking wonderful".What is more enchanting than the voices of youngpeople when you can't hear what they say?Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himselfentirely of self-love.It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly;it is mostly holes.RESOLVED for year 2006: Remember, DIET has a big fatD because I ET too much.Better a thousand enemies outside the house than oneinside.Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped toconsider what would have happened if Noah had allowedsame-sex couples to represent their species when hewas marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch ortwo faster than a bad haircut.There's another advantage to being poor----A doctorwill cure you faster.Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares youand you always end up right where you started.True friends are those who, when you've made a fool ofyourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.You can't sell from an empty wagon.Although the tongue weighs very little, few people areable to hold it.When friendship costs something, then you can countyour friends.I never can do what I want to do for having to do whatI have to do.Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.In a human being, the wishbone is located just underthe hat.Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.A candle loses nothing when it lights another.A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.Children can usually repeat word for word those thingsyou shouldn't have said.Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discussevents, small minds discuss people.The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is awise guy who turns out to be right.Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESSThe average child learns to walk at 17 months. Theaverage mother learns soon after.Take nothing on its looks; take everything onevidence.Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thingthat you may do, but it is the most important thingthat you will ever do!It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard towithdraw one.It's all right to have a train of thought; if you havea terminal.A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow aseasily as he can invent one.The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourselfwithout it.If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the brightside of things.Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better thanis absolutely necessary.Even good steel loses its temper when it getsoverheated.If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt tolive in harmony with others.Living on a budget is the same as living beyond yourmeans, except you have a record of it.The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by whatthey hear.When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to tryharder the next time.What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back witha hinge in it.ghqq
Captain Comeback
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:The sin ye do two by two ye must pay for one by one.Conversation between Adam and Eve must have beendifficult at times because they had no one to talkabout.If life knocks you flat on your back, just tellyourself, "Things are looking up!"The government solution to a problem is usually worstthan the problem.Lots of people live in beautiful apartmentsoverlooking the rent.According to U.S.A. Financial analyst Rick Edleman;an American parent serving as a cook, financialmanager, psychologist and bus driver should receive asalary of $508,700.00 a year.When some say that they want to serve God, they meanin an advisory capacity.The early Christians, [by teaching God's word], turnedthe world upside down. Now they will not all get onthe same side.The years seem to go by faster when you get olderprobably because you are going downhill.Most human beings have an almost endless capacity fortaking things for granted.Know how to listen, and you will profit even fromthose who talk badly.Twixt the optimist and pessimist, the difference isdroll; The optimist sees the doughnut, but thepessimist sees the hole.Aging is relative---in the time I went from 13 to 17,my mother aged twenty years!You can tell you're getting older, when you have lessdrive and more park.To always be ready, you must be able to cut a knot,for not everything can be untied.Speak when you're angry and you'll make the bestspeech that you'll ever regret.Pray for a good harvest------ but continue to hoe.You can't get much done by starting tomorrow.Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.A well-chosen word can speak volumes.There are no two people alike and they are both gladof it.The price of authority is responsibility.No one is useless if he lightens the burden of someoneelse.The only thing worse than repeating gossip is startingit.Better to stumble with your toe than with your tongue.Remember to forgive, then remember to forget.The manner in which it is given is worth more than thegift.It isn't necessary to put out the other fellow's lightto make yours shine more brightly.If we're unconcerned what the future holds for us thenwe have wasted our lives.Be like the postage stamp----stick to your job untilyou get there.If you don't wish to be shown up, don't show off.Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.Dedication and determination yield success andsatisfaction. Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.Experience is what causes people to make new mistakesinstead old ones.Better to trust a man who is frequently in error thanthe one who is never in doubt.When you fail, call it learning and move on.Gossip travels freely, but good news has to be helpedalong.If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved.A person who always says what they think is courageous---and friendless.Do the best that you can in this life----this is not arehearsal.In the old days no one locked their house, the mostthey feared might be a mouse.When there was no Interstate---we just leftearly---and we weren't late.The choice we make today affects tomorrow.If you must make mistakes, it will be more to yourcredit if you make a new one each time.Progress has little to do with speed and much to dowith direction.Others will follow your footsteps more easily thanthey will your advice.Why can't all life's problems happen when we'reteenagers, and know it all?Love gives us strength---friends----and life.Do not chose your friends by outward show, for thefeather floats where the pearl lies low.A smile is a language even a baby understands.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chatspleasantly while he's overcharging you.It is often easier to hide something than to hide thefact that you are hiding something.The best way to make a small fortune is to start witha big one.Good instincts usually tell you what to do long beforeyour head has figured it out.The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to besure that one of them is a match.A house may be too small for one family, but it cannever be big enough for two.You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middleage, and "you are looking wonderful".What is more enchanting than the voices of youngpeople when you can't hear what they say?Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himselfentirely of self-love.It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly;it is mostly holes.RESOLVED for year 2006: Remember, DIET has a big fatD because I ET too much.Better a thousand enemies outside the house than oneinside.Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped toconsider what would have happened if Noah had allowedsame-sex couples to represent their species when hewas marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch ortwo faster than a bad haircut.There's another advantage to being poor----A doctorwill cure you faster.Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares youand you always end up right where you started.True friends are those who, when you've made a fool ofyourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.You can't sell from an empty wagon.Although the tongue weighs very little, few people areable to hold it.When friendship costs something, then you can countyour friends.I never can do what I want to do for having to do whatI have to do.Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.In a human being, the wishbone is located just underthe hat.Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.A candle loses nothing when it lights another.A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.Children can usually repeat word for word those thingsyou shouldn't have said.Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discussevents, small minds discuss people.The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is awise guy who turns out to be right.Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESSThe average child learns to walk at 17 months. Theaverage mother learns soon after.Take nothing on its looks; take everything onevidence.Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thingthat you may do, but it is the most important thingthat you will ever do!It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard towithdraw one.It's all right to have a train of thought; if you havea terminal.A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow aseasily as he can invent one.The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourselfwithout it.If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the brightside of things.Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better thanis absolutely necessary.Even good steel loses its temper when it getsoverheated.If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt tolive in harmony with others.Living on a budget is the same as living beyond yourmeans, except you have a record of it.The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by whatthey hear.When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to tryharder the next time.What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back witha hinge in it.ghqq
Sunday, November 20, 2005
hUMOR For Nov 20th
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Tennis BraceletA woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
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Grandma and Computer
The computer's swallowed grandmaYes' honestly' its true.She pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe she's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind. I've even used the InternetBut nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked JeevesMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'My Grandma you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." - Oscar Wilde
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Reaching the Unchurched
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please."
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Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal" "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack" "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Kid Kills Beloved Family Pet."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:If only we could forget our troubles as easily as weforget our blessings.Steam engines don't run on lukewarm water.The road that we're on may seem long but it leads toour final destination.The most difficult job of all is trying to look busywhen you're not.There is no indigestion worse than that of trying toeat your own words.Never miss a rainbow or a sunset because you'relooking down.It's not so much how I look as how others see me.People who live beyond their means must be given a lotof credit.Confidence is the feeling that you have before youknow better.If you want to launch a big ship, you have to go wherethe water is deep.The man who never makes mistakes loses a great manychances to learn something.It's better to prevent than to lament.Don't just entertain ideas----put them to work.Nothing is harder than gracefully getting down fromyour high horse.I can keep a secret, but those I tell it to never can.Temper gets us into trouble----pride keeps us there.Once you get started doing nothing it's hard to quit.Word processors should be combined with foodprocessors in case we have to eat our words.God doesn't always remove the darkness, but He willhelp us get through it.He that graduated yesterday and stops learning todayis uneducated tomorrow.Those who make the worse use of their time are firstto complain of its brevity.Wear the shoes you want filled. Proverbs 22:6In speech, volume has a way of drowning out meaning.Man said of his wife; We get along swimmingly, everytime I say something she drowns me out.If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.Sometimes the best present you can give someone isjust leave them alone.People seldom get dizzy from doing good turns.The time to make friends is before you need them.Since there is no body like you, you can make adifference.Blowing out the other fellow's candle won't make yoursany brighter.There may be a destiny that shapes our ends, but ourmiddles are of our own choosing.When some turn over a new leaf, it is likely to bepretty much a carbon copy of the last.Middle age is when you've met so many people thatevery new person reminds you of someone else.Progress involves risk...you can't steal second andkeep your foot on first.The luckiest people in the world are those who don'tdepend on good luck.A man of words and not of deeds is like a garden fullof weeds.The life one lives speaks louder than the words heutters.Self-satisfaction makes people fear the unknown,mistrust the untried and abhor the new.Whatever your past has been, you can have a betterfuture.It's not enough to be busy...the question is, what areyou busy about?Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.Doing what's right today means no regrets tomorrow.To ease another's heartache is to forget your own.The best way to kill time is to work it to death.If you can't do great things, do small things in agreat way.Short visits make long friends.The steam that blows the whistle isn't driving thewheels.Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.Tact is what a fellow has when he won't change hismind but can change the subject.Many times you find the big apples on top of thebasket, but you must remember that the little ones areholding them up.We search for beauty in distant lands while we crushthe violets beneath our foot.
Tennis BraceletA woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grandma and Computer
The computer's swallowed grandmaYes' honestly' its true.She pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe she's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind. I've even used the InternetBut nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked JeevesMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'My Grandma you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." - Oscar Wilde
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reaching the Unchurched
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal" "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack" "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Kid Kills Beloved Family Pet."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:If only we could forget our troubles as easily as weforget our blessings.Steam engines don't run on lukewarm water.The road that we're on may seem long but it leads toour final destination.The most difficult job of all is trying to look busywhen you're not.There is no indigestion worse than that of trying toeat your own words.Never miss a rainbow or a sunset because you'relooking down.It's not so much how I look as how others see me.People who live beyond their means must be given a lotof credit.Confidence is the feeling that you have before youknow better.If you want to launch a big ship, you have to go wherethe water is deep.The man who never makes mistakes loses a great manychances to learn something.It's better to prevent than to lament.Don't just entertain ideas----put them to work.Nothing is harder than gracefully getting down fromyour high horse.I can keep a secret, but those I tell it to never can.Temper gets us into trouble----pride keeps us there.Once you get started doing nothing it's hard to quit.Word processors should be combined with foodprocessors in case we have to eat our words.God doesn't always remove the darkness, but He willhelp us get through it.He that graduated yesterday and stops learning todayis uneducated tomorrow.Those who make the worse use of their time are firstto complain of its brevity.Wear the shoes you want filled. Proverbs 22:6In speech, volume has a way of drowning out meaning.Man said of his wife; We get along swimmingly, everytime I say something she drowns me out.If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.Sometimes the best present you can give someone isjust leave them alone.People seldom get dizzy from doing good turns.The time to make friends is before you need them.Since there is no body like you, you can make adifference.Blowing out the other fellow's candle won't make yoursany brighter.There may be a destiny that shapes our ends, but ourmiddles are of our own choosing.When some turn over a new leaf, it is likely to bepretty much a carbon copy of the last.Middle age is when you've met so many people thatevery new person reminds you of someone else.Progress involves risk...you can't steal second andkeep your foot on first.The luckiest people in the world are those who don'tdepend on good luck.A man of words and not of deeds is like a garden fullof weeds.The life one lives speaks louder than the words heutters.Self-satisfaction makes people fear the unknown,mistrust the untried and abhor the new.Whatever your past has been, you can have a betterfuture.It's not enough to be busy...the question is, what areyou busy about?Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.Doing what's right today means no regrets tomorrow.To ease another's heartache is to forget your own.The best way to kill time is to work it to death.If you can't do great things, do small things in agreat way.Short visits make long friends.The steam that blows the whistle isn't driving thewheels.Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.Tact is what a fellow has when he won't change hismind but can change the subject.Many times you find the big apples on top of thebasket, but you must remember that the little ones areholding them up.We search for beauty in distant lands while we crushthe violets beneath our foot.
Friday, November 18, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 18th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
London BuildingA Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618."Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent."Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the TexanThe driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by thePearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; hebarely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushesback to the gates, but no one's there.St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bellrings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says."I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks upand rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy whokeeps ringing the bell?""Yes, that's me," the little old man says."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.Peter asks."They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Younger vs olderYOU ARE EITHER THERE AND UNDERSTAND THESE, OR ONE DAYYOU WILL...Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground withsticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's calledgolf.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lyingabout your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waitingin line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I'vetraveled a long way and some of the roads weren'tpaved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old youare?When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back toyour youth, think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when everything eitherdries up or leaks.One of the many things no one tells you about aging isthat it is such a nice change from being young.One must wait until evening to see how splendid theday has been.Ah ... being young is beautiful, but being old iscomfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray,wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't haveanything to laugh at when you are old.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Thenyou forget to pull-up your zipper; then, oh mygoodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!If you jog in a joggiwind-breakerunge in loungingpajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY wouldanyone want to wear a windbreaker?And best of all... I don't know how I got over thehill without getting to the top. Now that's somethingto think about!
London BuildingA Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618."Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent."Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the TexanThe driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by thePearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; hebarely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushesback to the gates, but no one's there.St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bellrings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says."I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks upand rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy whokeeps ringing the bell?""Yes, that's me," the little old man says."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.Peter asks."They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Younger vs olderYOU ARE EITHER THERE AND UNDERSTAND THESE, OR ONE DAYYOU WILL...Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground withsticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's calledgolf.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lyingabout your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waitingin line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I'vetraveled a long way and some of the roads weren'tpaved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old youare?When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back toyour youth, think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when everything eitherdries up or leaks.One of the many things no one tells you about aging isthat it is such a nice change from being young.One must wait until evening to see how splendid theday has been.Ah ... being young is beautiful, but being old iscomfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray,wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't haveanything to laugh at when you are old.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Thenyou forget to pull-up your zipper; then, oh mygoodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!If you jog in a joggiwind-breakerunge in loungingpajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY wouldanyone want to wear a windbreaker?And best of all... I don't know how I got over thehill without getting to the top. Now that's somethingto think about!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 17th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and weresharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear thatthe elevators in their hotel were broken and they would haveto climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony ofthis unpleasant task by concentrating on somethinginteresting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can singsongs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sadstories for the rest of the way."At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim beganto sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scottbegan to tell sad stories."I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left theroom key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and weresharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear thatthe elevators in their hotel were broken and they would haveto climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony ofthis unpleasant task by concentrating on somethinginteresting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can singsongs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sadstories for the rest of the way."At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim beganto sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scottbegan to tell sad stories."I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left theroom key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 16th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
World's Thinnest Books ~~@~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques ChiracHOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clintonwith introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
World's Thinnest Books ~~@~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques ChiracHOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clintonwith introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
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