Sales Demonstration
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department
store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by
putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb
completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without
missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable'
comb for everyone to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks
like on the inside..."
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Microsoft's Answer
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Smoking on the Bus
I am on a bus. The driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars. Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid, you're only 6-months-old, you can make it without a cigarette."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman
"Over the weekend in
"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno
"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien
"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno
"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman
"Over the weekend in
"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno
"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien
"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno
"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno
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Doctor's Visit
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
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Boneless Chicken Breasts
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
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"In a recent speech, Barack Obama said he has visited all
57 states. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Ha-ha,
he forgot
***
"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,
I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."
-David Letterman
***
"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past
eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford
university and living in their dorms, even though she was
not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight
months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student
for four years!" -Jay Leno
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[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in
local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if
you can catch the goofs.]
1. "...an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost
courteousness for medical reasons." (
2. "[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in
the throws of a roster overhaul." (
3. "'It's pretty exciting,' according to his material grand-
mother." (
4. "The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought
home nine metals." Including the gold? (
5. "McNabb...exasperated the injury attempting to chase down
Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams." (
6. "Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and
Temperament." (e-mail)
7. "[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine
withdrawls." Is she from the South? (
8. "Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and
tempting deserts." Presumably also hot. (
9. "Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot." (
10. "...those who acquaint shopping with charity."
(
----
Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals
5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate
10. equate
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After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart-
ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his
birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday
is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that
you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned
two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my
hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband
a tie for his birthday."
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First Kiss
At the end of their first date, Vernie takes his favorite girl
home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows
up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister
says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or
if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out
loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"