MENSA ConventionMENSA is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a MENSA Convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe.While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for MENSA!The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution."Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker...""Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." So she unscrewed the caps of both and switched them.
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"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is
one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver-
sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."
-Lisa Kirk
***
"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The
lesson is, never try." -Homer Simpson
***
"I've had people ask me if I were shipwrecked on a deserted
island, and could only have one book, what would it be? I
always say 'How to Build a Boat.'" -Steven Wright
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"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief
of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here
with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little
nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished
audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as
I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey,
and explain Beverly to her!"
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While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was
holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he
said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well,"
she said," go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added,
"I just bought it at the hardware store."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the
bus.
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Short one
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and
a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really
is a dog.
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The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Fred," Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred. "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Fred. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time," says Martha. "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women.
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Driver's Eye Test
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
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Where's Herman?
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"