Crime Prevention
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels? They were dirty crooks!
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Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to one of the political candidates. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, that candidate is a 'Post Turtle'". Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'". The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know they didn't get up there by themselves, they don't belong up there, and they don't know what to do while they're up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put them up there to begin with".
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Tips From the Flori-DUH Book of Manners
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Minnesotan Murder:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records
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Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever askedyourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators supposedly got together and analyzed the personalities ofwell known and modern cartoon characters. The information that wasgathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add upall your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at theend and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done .Then forward this to all your friends ( including the person who sent itto you )and change the subject of this message to what character isyou.1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.) b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)c) Painting in the park (5 pts) d) Rock concert (1 pt ) e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)2. What is your favorite type of music? a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)b) Alternative (1 pt.) c) Sofa t Rock (4 pts.) d) Country (5 pts )e) Pop (3 pts)3. What type of movies do you prefer? a) Comedy (2 pts.)b) Horror (1 pt.)c) Musical (3 pts.)d) Romance (4 pts.)e) Documentary (5 pts.) 4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only couldchoose one of these? a) Waiter (4 pts.)b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)c) Teacher (3 pts.) d) Police (2 pts.) e) Cashier (1 pt) 5 What do you do with your spare time? a) Exercise (5 pts.)b) Read (4 pts.)c) Watch television (2 pts.) d) Listen to music (1 pt.)e) Sleep (3 pts.)6. Which one of the following colors do you like best? a) Yellow (1 pt.)b) White (5 pts.)c) Sky Blue (3 pts)d) Dark Blue(2 pts.) e) Red (4 pts.)7. What do you prefer to eat?a) Snow (3 pts.)b) Pizza (2 pts.)c) Sushi (1 pt.) d) Pasta (4 pts.)e) Salad (5 pts.)8. What is your favorite holiday ?a) Halloween(1 pt)b) Christmas(3 pts.)c) New Year (2 pts.)d) Valentine's Day(4 pts.)e) Thanksgiving(5 pts.) 9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be? a) Paris (4 pts)b) Spain (5 pts)c) Las Vegas (1 pt)d) Hawaii (4 pts)e) Hollywood (3 pts)10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with? a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.) d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.0e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waitingfor! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friendsand back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see who your friends are! (10-16 points) You are Garfield :You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how tohave fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know whatyou are doing and you are always in control of your life. Other s maynot see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have todo what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit m ay hurt you orothers. (17-23 points) You are Snoopy:You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's inand you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfyeveryone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more thanonce but you always come home with the family values that you learnedBeing married and having children are important to you, but only afteryou have had your share of fun times (24-28 points) You are Elmo:You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing togive advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic andyou always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not tobe too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts inyour life. (29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friendthat anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never causeharm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Lifeis a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part Stay away fromtraitors and jealous people and you will be stress free. (36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very seriousabout all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Momevery Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a fewBirthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality. (44-50 points ) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is frontedwith a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strongfamily principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a badsituation when it comes . Try to do less over thinking every once in awhile to spice things up a bit with spontaneity! Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email towhat you are and send it on.
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"Mr. Schwartz"
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
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Oneliner
"Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years."